Rebuilding from the ruin …
The past several weeks have been traumatic. Severe sickness, sudden and severe changes and challenges at work, changes and challenges in my life all have converged upon me. It all overwhelmed my senses … creating this torrent of feelings showing the many, many lessons needing to be learned … red flags of fears causing me to react rather than respond, causing me to see external events as causes rather than more clearly seeing it is really how I was processing and perceiving events, and causing me to feed their intensity from old fragments of my past issues and scripts. Regardless, I became simply overwhelmed by the avalanche covering and seemly smothering me.
Feelings of helplessness are very painful for me. My father was taken away from me one night by a sudden heart attack, and I could only “peek” at unfolding events through a crack in the door. I was 5, and the scars run deep to this day as do the memories of the pain.
Though now on the road to recovery from my current illness, this recent health event has taken me down … very far down … torn me open and exposed my core to so many frightening and challenging images and messages … caused confusion … and my mental awareness and ability to process was severely compromised, a very strange feeling and a challenge to address. Fever-caused nightmares added to the mix of fears that recovery wasn’t coming fast enough. I felt like I had been beaten to my knees and forced to submit what is left of me … submit to some new direction, new way of moving through life. What was me is gone … I must rebuild … and rebuilding is currently underway now that I am stable and healing.
I will speak more of the rebuilding later. However, it must happen quickly because the challenges do not wait and many still burn all around me. But my rebuilding will be done knowing of these challenges which I hope will be reflected in the architecture of what results. There must be a greater reason for all that has and is happening … I am being given messages to change, change now, and change in ways that will make me more resilient to conditions like those I’m now facing with life, love, and self. Yes … rebuilding is underway and I am working along, not against the higher forces that seem to be directing events beyond my control. “Remain open” … so hard at times yet so vital to changing and taking the chances necessary to make significant change occur so that my life can move forward in new, fresh, and loving ways. All new dance steps of the life unfolding before me … but steps I must learn quickly so that I can keep pace with the life rhythms I now face.