“Frozen in fear, you avoid responsibility because you think your experience is beyond your control. This stance keeps you from making decisions, solving problems, or going after what you want in life.” – David Emerald

 

Gaining back my power ….

These past 2 weeks have been incredibly challenging.  As a new, uncomfortable work environment was just beginning to evolve I became seriously ill.  All the changing … ongoing changes in my life … prepared me to accept that these new conditions had some unknown purpose … but embracing it required much reflection, acceptance, letting go, help from my friend and spiritual partner, and courage. So much discomfort and fear was swelling around me.  At this time in my life it appears I am meant to be pushed aggressively forward into more change, self-challenges, and lessons to be learned about myself … that appears to be my current reality because that is what I am facing and feel.

Of all I face, my workplace situation presents the most painful hurtles.  Assigned to a new place in the organization, a new director quickly and strongly executed a style of motivating that created fear instead of commitment for my team and me.  The behaviors rapidly evolving triggered many fears within me and those in my team.  The feelings were intense and deeply felt.  Feelings of powerlessness and self-criticism easily surfaced from the old scripts lived for so many years, and those feelings were given even more strength by overvaluing organizational power and seeing it stronger than personal power … personal power in terms of having choices, moving through and away from fear, and having the ability to act from intentions based upon integrity and kindness. 

Organizations have established power differentials … people who have power over others based upon where they sit in the organizational chart.  Such power can be executed with strength, sensitivity, and kindness, or it can be executed in ways that create feelings of fear and hurt.  I and my team felt we faced the later.

We succumbed to the differential … reacting from fear rather than responding with grace and kind intentions.  We also failed to recognize that those things external to us do not harm us, but it is how we perceive them and allow them to affect us that creates the sense of being hurt.  The old scripts drove that reaction.  They delayed us (me) from being able to more quickly see that what was occurring was us giving our power away and choosing to remain in fear rather than set positive intentions and make choices to move towards creating something positive … positive for us as people and positive for the organization.  It took me time to see this … time to quiet the internal feelings … time to reflect, discuss, and understand my feelings with help from my spiritual partner. 

The discord reached a point where threats and their packaging could be tolerated no longer … so a choice was made … a choice to set intentions to heal the working relationship, and begin taking measured action through various means.  The action was taken … taken with good intentions … and regardless of the final outcomes the feelings of powerlessness disappeared upon taking those actions.  It was a truly “ahh-ha” moment.  The inner sense of peace coming from moving away from fear, taking back my personal power, and acting with the intention of healing the working relationships felt incredibly good … deeply healing … and resonated with those genuine core qualities that I’ve referred to in earlier postings.  It was a defining moment … a moment that offered me such a powerful lesson about personal power.

Day-by-day the working relationship has changed.  Each day is taken as itself with no expectation … simply listening for the feelings sensed and felt.  But there is a shift … a shift in a loving direction … and my team and I will nurture that shift with intentions of sustaining a more joyful working environment.

But for me there is more.  There is the change … the ahh-ha moment … the huge shift that came from stepping into and regaining my personal power.  It has changed me … shifted me to a new place on my journey through life.  The lesson learned and the feelings felt are enormous.  And it serves now as a tool for me to recall, relive, and use on every step going forward.

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