“Most people can look back over the years and identify a time and place at which their lives changed significantly. Whether by accident or design, these are the moments when, because of a readiness within us and a collaboration with events occurring around us, we are forced to seriously reappraise ourselves and the conditions under which we live and to make certain choices that will affect the rest of our lives.” – Frederick F. Flack
Sadness flows as I think of leaving my retreat this morning. These past days have given me a new kind of peace and an open door into my soul. It has gathered together sensations that have given me true calm … deep, internal calm. I’ve seen in this week that my body, heart, and soul cry out for such calm … a chorus singing to me as I simply turn deaf ears to their mournful song. I “feel” like I’ve not had such inner calm for so very, very, very long. I “see” such a deep hole left unfilled for so very long. My retreat was such a gift … so “right” and such a good choice … so many insights and messages … and now I see the hole and “feel” what it is like … and I now stand in a different place capable of new choices.
There is no blame … no sense of failure at not having discovered this undiscovered land of calm. I simply see that I was not ready to make the journey … not assembled yet in the proper way to walk, feel, and open so that the feelings would arise as I let in the essence of the experience.
Yes, a gift brought through the moments of this week. And how it may or may not influence my future … all will be revealed in its right time. But in the “now” … in these moments as I type this last morning … in this ending yet beginning moment … it feels wonderfully rich to have walked this path, felt these feelings, and changed. My life … so touched … such feelings … it is all overwhelming …