The Letting Go of Responsibility … Becoming Comfortable with Aloneness …

I continue my move towards change … towards entry into a new paradigm of life. Many forces appear to be converging, adding to the need to adapt … many more than I would have imagined coming together at this time in my life. I feel fatigued from what seems like hundreds of hands reaching out and pulling me in some new and at times conflicting directions. I feel like I must work … very hard … to remain upright and stable enough to continue taking one step at a time into my future.

And melodies quietly play in the back of my mind … unfamiliar songs saying that I must let go of responsibility … responsibility long carried and overly valued for so many years. Responsibility beyond just that for myself but felt towards those around me. And another melody plays … another yet unfamiliar but detectible song … that I struggle to find the balance between my craving for deep connection and shared experience, and the recognition that I must ultimately travel much of my journey alone.

I seek new answers while still emerging from old scripts, scripts that order and influence my description of the world around me, how I move through it, how I communicate, and how I form feelings about it. It all is a simultaneous blend of so many factors from so many directions that at times it is very hard to sort things out … very hard to figure out if I’m moving towards the new or simply being driven by the old. My intention is to move in new directions but this confusion makes the journey very hard … at times even discouraging. And though I have choices, it “feels” like a force greater than me is truly in control and regulating how and what comes across my threshold … what crosses my path in this moment.

So here I stand … taking yet one more step into this day and moment … moving in faith for I must step while knowing that the answers are not yet known and I have yet to understand. I retain the sense of excitement about the undiscovered land ahead, but “feel” the fatigue of the journey’s effort. Movement wrapped in faith … letting go of knowing the “why” while accepting what “is” and continuing the walk. I will see what today brings … what shedding responsibilities feels like … if clarity reveals itself on other fronts. A dance with unknown steps but driven by deep rhythms felt from within …

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