Change, another piece in the puzzle …

Change … at first so very hard for me.  My resistance to changing and morphing into something unknown and new was very strong because I was well trained to plan, execute, and work hard towards expected results.  I thought I was already “me” but was discovering that I was not.  And as for my plans … my efforts to control things externally … my expected results fell consistently short and I experienced fears or sadness when those plans and expectations (a topic onto itself) failed to appear.  Fear and sadness prevailed when happiness did not result from a lifelong career, when relationships dissolved instead of flourish, when “doing what was right and expected” just plain didn’t work out.

Asking “What’s going wrong?” led me to look hard at myself and I discovered a piece of my puzzle … that the journey is about change without expectations, and not trying to predict what will unfold … simply allowing it all to reveal itself, and genuinely remaining open to seeing it all.  Once I had “Ahh Ha” moments that showed me how change fits in (moments I’ll share later) it all began to become clearer.  It all now seems so different … mentally reaching out to what unexpectedly unfolds with eager enthusiasm for the changes it creates.  It is all so different … but feels so rich and belonging to me.  It is also very emotional … scary and hard at times to manage.  But I am learning and adapting.  Where once I resisted these charged emotions I now welcome them knowing they are on the path to a richer me.  Such change … overwhelming at times … such change … flooding me with emotion at times … such change … and such a journey.

Crisis and confusion began it all …

I lived many decades following the scripts of others.  I looked to the outside for validation that I was a “good boy or man”.  I thought I was “me”, but I came to discover that I was not … that I was an actor in some complex play.  I would still be that actor except for a life crisis … a crisis caused by bad choices that broke trusts, hurt those I loved, and broke apart a family.  Those moments were filled with fear and shame, and forced me to choose … forced me to decide if understanding myself and why I had lost my compass was important enough to undertake change.  Would I try to figure it out, or continue the free fall into confusion?  This time I chose well … I chose the scary path of self-discovery and began a journey into a much unknown land.  Crisis and confusion created opportunity.  More of the story to come …