“We go through those circumstances in order to evolve into people who can hold to our loving center no matter what the world throws us.” – Marianne Williamson

 

Yes … an intention … to be a person who can hold to my loving center no matter what the world throws at me.  So much work to arrive at that place.  Yes, circumstances that offer important lessons and foretell the need for more changes.  I am land forever changing … always changing … never the same from one sunrise to the next. It offers a constant sense of discovery … revealing the new … but also presents an equal sense of loss … leaving a part of me behind.

I lead a team at work.  I love my team.  I love those aspects that resonate so deeply and make me feel human … the loving and shared caring, the collaboration and shared accomplishments, the cooperation shared to surmount challenges together … all bring an up swelling of feelings even as I write.  But the context around me … it does not nourish me … it dilutes that which gives me joy and rich feelings … the context that has forever been there due to my choices to be a leader standing in the middle of an organization.  Yes … I made those choices and as such, what results is my own doing.  I made conscious (though unaware) choices feeling I was willing to accept the “down side” for the gains and benefits provided by the opportunities.  But now … after many years of accepting what betrayed my core, in many roles and settings, my willingness to simply accept is no longer the same … my desire to spend what time I have remaining engaged in the undesirable activities of this surrounding context has diminished to a level of intolerance. 

My intentions are now forming … beginning to reflect the changes I am feeling must now come … but I need more guidance from the somewhere on how this all fits together.  I feel confused … but not angry.  I simply feel the challenge before me … a challenge that requires effort to address. 

So I enter today seeking signs and guidance … moving in small, initial steps toward my next set of changes.  There must be change because I can no longer remain in a place where only a small part of the whole nourishes me.  Changes needed but yet unknown … life being lived in moments of confusion and in moments of clarity.

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