“It is important to expect nothing, to take every experience, including the negative ones, as merely steps on the path, and to proceed.”  – Ram Dass

Love … a word that is woven into our culture … a word that we all define in so many unique, personal ways.  As with everyone, love exists as threads in the fabric of my life as well.

In my heart there hides a love song … a song that has been created as I’ve live my life.  A song whose lines reflect the broken journey of a man trying to live life, then discovering that his life was written by others.  So I choose … choose to write my lyrics to this song titled love and I discover how to see and feel … and I engage in writing new versus for this song called love … verses needed to take back my life and speak with a new, genuine voice that reflects who I truly am inside and my unique form of love.

Sounds are being tried on, rhythms are being explored, and a new song is under construction.  Though beginning to emerge, a harmonic rhythm remains elusive and has yet to rise from the fog of awakening.  Clarity comes and goes, and at times it seems as though the work has only begun even though it seems like endless time and effort have been expended.  How long will it take to compose this new song?  I do not know and realize that it may never be sung.  What I do sense when able to reflect with an open heart is that I feel like I have so much love to give … endless love to give … love that at times cries out to escape into the universe and world … feelings that seem to reflect years of love held back and buried within me because of fears.

Though excited by each new discovery of myself and my true story, my fatigue grows.  I push to understand … assemble the evidence that will reveal the path and story that will be my future.  But the voice of my spiritual partner has open a door into new awareness for me … awareness that suggests that my old way of wanting clarity and understanding is flawed, and conflicts with how the universe unfolds in random yet guided directions.  An awareness that reveals that seeking clarity and understanding may never come because the situation I am immersed in is evolving as quickly as I am understanding … creating a dynamic of never being able to know.  My old style is like a dog chasing its own tail … an endless effort that simply does not fit the condition called life nor fits what is love.  The result … an opportunity to choose … a choice to change yet one more time … a choice to embrace letting go and being in the moment rather than continuing to adopt my established way to understanding.  Yes … another huge change in the ocean of changes that seems to be my life these days.

In the end we all have such few days.  Making as many days as possible feed our hearts and souls seems a better choice for living life.  But I have a tired heart … a heart that is awaken, changing, facing fears, and learning to let go. A heart that at times desires to retreat from the endless demands of self-awareness and awakening. But life demands that my heart remain open to hear and feel during each moment a breath is taken. So I must discover a means to bring peace to my heart while it engages each moment.  Peace warms and soothes a tired heart, even one deep inside a man taught to be strong and resistant to abuse.  And my song … my song of love … it still goes unsung … but with my new awareness maybe more of the melody will be revealed … at least it is my hope.

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