Triggered by exercise, music, and life … each moment I dip into my expanding pool of feelings … exposing more and more each day. When they speak it is like a runaway wild fire … causing me to burst into emotional flame as one moment moves to the next, without a means of damping or decreasing the intensity until the flames find their own peace and naturally diminish. Clearly I see that I am a man of extremes …extreme feelings of warmth and pleasantness … extreme feelings of deep, penetrating sadness as though my soul has been impaled by some spear. All are experienced intensely and experience outside my conscious control. And because they are so intense, understanding their message is made more complex.
At times I seem so complex, so ill-defined, so raw and unfinished. So many, many years I operated with the old scrip that guys didn’t feel … that having feelings just wasn’t manly. Added to that my scripts from parents said feelings got in the way … got in the way of working hard and getting on with life. So I just kept adding all that on top on me … closing off to feelings for so many years.
But times have changed … big time!! I now swim in a pool of feelings … all affecting me as described. And as my feelings continue to evolve and reveal themselves I feel it all much more intensely. At times, it overwhelms … takes my breath away … makes me feel like an infant just beginning to learn how to walk. Feelings …. a wonderful, painful, yet so important set of tools for this new journey.