A rising understanding …

Work fills much of my waking hours. I look into the coming days, and reflect on those recently past, and I realize that I do not belong there … not in its current form. It is no longer me. In times past the fit may have been more congruent, but then I was different too. I have changed … I am new while being truer to me. Now it is only the interactions with my “tribe” that offers feelings of being whole. I don’t know yet where I belong and what is meant for me to do, but where I’m currently camped is no longer the place that feeds me … feeds my soul. I try my best each day to act in love and kindness but feel beaten down … my spirit drained. So much “life effort” spent with so little feeling of helping those in need … only the increasing sense of pushing procedure, process, and bureaucracy. So little feeling of “making a real difference” … only increasing feelings of wallowing in the muck of trivia. The inner compass of my life points in the direction of more meaning in life … my heart tells me there is somewhere … something … some place where my passions can flourish and my contribution can be greater.

The sense of me “pushing” in one direction while the organization pushes in an opposite grows. It is interesting to sense and sad to feel. But the sadness does not overwhelm as before, only “feels” like a momentary frustration. I recognize that my puzzle piece is no longer meant for this life puzzle of mine. The sadness is a clue … a message telling me that a richer puzzle exists offering a better fit and that my task is to seek it out. And … I know that I must continue my small, unsure steps down my path towards this unknown place … but a place that is slowly revealing itself. But it is still unknown and I must trust … trust that all works out as it should … as intended … as is best for me.

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