“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” – Anatole France

I woke up this morning feeling that my life needs to change … change significantly … change soon.  And though my life has been nothing but change for the past year or more, I feel more is now needed.

My beliefs are now challenged because I find myself restrained and blocked.  I am confused … seeking moments of joy but increasingly seeing life as despairing shades of gray.  I resist … finding reasons why things outside me will become barriers … finding reasons why things outside me may damage or hurt.  I feel as though I’ve walked a path that has taken me into a dark corner rather than into the light.

That is how I “feel” in this moment.  But what is the truth?  The truth is not how I feel which in itself is unnerving.  My mind distorts the truth … creates a mournful story meant for an older “me” … a “me” that surrendered his power and wore the label of victim … a “me” that resisted moving forward but preferred to wish things hadn’t happen or had been different.  I resist because I want my father … I want that night he died when I was 5 years old to be different … I want it more than anything in the world … I want it to be different so that I can live a life with him and experience the joy a father brings into a child’s heart.  I have not let go.  It is something that has framed me and restricted me for decades but now comes into focus as I try to understand why I resist while promoting self-change, self-awareness and self-forgiveness.

The truth is that I have grown.  The truth is I have discovered.  The truth is that I see missing pieces of my puzzle still needing to be discovered in order to complete my whole.  Love … self-nurturing … self-forgiveness … life balance and rhythm … work that nurtures rather than depletes … all are some of the pieces I see at or near the top of my list.  Each is a new side journey needing to be fully and richly explored.  Each is a portion of the path I walk.  Each needs to be experienced and processed fully so that I can gain more … more of myself … more of the person I wish to be.  It is “my work” that I know must be done.

I must believe … believe that intentions will create circumstances that will bring answers.  I must believe … believe that events and experiences will provide me clues and tools to better navigate.  I must believe … believe that I will find the patience to keep moving forward, stop resisting, and open myself to what will become whatever destiny I am meant to live.  It is “my work” … comprised of many things including trust, patience, and action.  It is the formula I have recently lost … it is the formula I now once again find.

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