A Hole Remains …

Today I hiked … a passion creating deep, calm feelings inside this maturing frame and spirit.  When out … when one with my passion … I see more clearly.  And while ascending a section of trail today I looked within, and I discovered an old, troublesome companion.

I visited the hole within me today … that place that long ago I needed love and was refused it.  A gap … a chasm … a gorge that was formed during my early life for it was not just a simple need but deep, disparate, and long sought yearnings.  The absence of response carved out a hole that even with time, self-work, and recognition that I am loved, never healed or filled.

Many visits of this place have occurred through time but until recently I failed to see it realistically.  At times I felt it was healed … or at least filled so that its sting was significantly softened … but today’s visit tells me the hole goes unfilled and remains.

So I must continue my work … realizing the truth that I am loved … by myself and others important to me.  I must reframe the old, long held feelings into more realistic voices reflecting the truth and not perceived past conditions.  And I must realize the hole will never be filled because it is a hole reflecting past loss … time in my past when I needed love and it wasn’t there for me … forcing me to compensate, ignore, and repress feelings so that I could go on.

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