The Good Fight …

I am in a place and time where it feels as though I stand on the edge, fighting moment to moment to maintain balance and keep from falling into the abyss.  A place where each second demands untapped strength from within … strength hidden deep in unknown reserves … strength needed in order to comprehend, react, and hopefully prevail to surrounding circumstances.

I join my brother and his wife in a battle.  A war of day-to-day maneuvers meant to sustain him until he is able to receive a new liver.  There are so many battles on so many fronts simultaneously.  Yet each now is simply defined … does he greet this new day and are we ready to respond when a hoped for moment arrives.

This is a very hard battle for this warrior … me.  After several days I still am working to absorb it all while integrating myself into the army faced with the fight.  When life becomes focused on existence … living one more day … fighting through pain and time in order to receive relief from someone else’s loss … all shifts within you.  The chaff of life falls off around you and existence becomes what drives each moment.  Though some may be cloaked, every thought is tied to the vision … a moment when a voice on the other end of a phone informs you that a door is now open to possible relief.

And as part of this army now fighting the good fight, I am witness to much.  I am witness to things that bring me fears and sadness … things that remind me that with a joyful life may come pain and suffering.  And I am witness to inspirational things … things like the personal strength and courage being displayed daily by my brother as he somehow finds what’s needed to stand up and move through another day … another day of pain, discomfort, and fears … another day of waiting for a special call.  I am also witness to the courage of his wife … working so very hard to navigate through fears in order to put things in place that will be needed when the moment arrives and we move through the new doorway into the known unknown.

I do not stand within the shell of the man now fighting for his life.  But I sense how hard each moment must be.  I see the result of the condition but am not feeling it from within.  It is hard for all involved.  It is ever so hard for me.  But I learn from his strength … and he is strong … able to allow the fears flow through while holding on to those moments of brightness and lightness felt.  And he is loved … loved by me and so many others he has touched through life.  He inspires by his strength,  his ability to take one more step while carry such a heavy burden of a failing body, and his ability to touch others.  Great pain blended with such great courage and love.

So the good fight will continue, and the focus will continue to narrow as it must as conditions remain increasingly challenging as time moves towards that hoped for future call.  And I will learn … learn how to navigate through this time while fully engaging in this battle … learn from being witness to it all and the man at its center.  But it is hard … ever so very hard.

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