“How did it get so late so soon? Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?” – Dr. Seuss

What is it about time? What is it that creates the sensation within me that time around me is moving faster and faster as I add numbers to the years chronicling my days spent in this lifetime? Why do moments where stillness, calm, and a sense of slowing down seem so rich these days? Why does reaching a sense of inner peace, in the moment, and the calm such feelings bring … through hiking, music, contemplation, or other means feel like such a gift? Why … why … why …?

Something about time and knowing that this voyage is a one way journey through my exploration and discovery of self-awareness. And as I journey, enrichment comes from such discovery … wonderful, breathtaking enrichment when moments are reached where alignment occurs within me. And alignment opens doors that allow feelings to flood into my heart … immerse me in rich, blissful sensations that allow even more awareness to emerge. And such discovery in ongoing … each step in each day now reveals lessons that add to my wholeness and more breathtaking moments. I “feel” like each day I step deeper into a beautiful garden where all is in bloom regardless of the season. And the overwhelming beauty that is this garden creates these rich sensations … sensations and emotions that resonate within me like never before.

Not Lost, But Carried …

My retreat offered an exploration of something very different.  A chance for me to experience true, rich alignment with what resonates within me.  It allowed me to experience the feelings like never before by opening the doors to my inner self, opening my heart, and touching it in a way that gave me overwhelming joy.

And now that I am back to task, crowds, and timelines I notice something different.  As each day passes I remain open … continue “feeling” those deep, rich joyful sensations that walked alongside me last week.  My retreat … the place and experience … helped me discover richness and deep joy, but it is within me now to be carried wherever I might go.  Though I would return to that beautiful location overlooking Jenner in a heartbeat, I need not feel its loss because the experience and the feelings it created have integrated with me and become part of my whole.  What a wonderful thing … to know I’ve not left the beauty and magic I found last week behind but am one with it … that they are now me.

“Well, here at last, dear friends, on the shores of the Sea comes the end of our fellowship in Middle-earth. Go in peace! I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

An Understanding … and a Farewell …

The final load is taken … and it is time to bid farewell. From the deck I look out across the landscape one last time to the shore where water meets land. I reflect and understand … I see that each day … each moment … the shore is different, yet each day and moment it is the same. The “sameness” is that it is always changing, adapting, responding to its surroundings. Such an interesting lesson …

Farewell my dear retreat …

“Most people can look back over the years and identify a time and place at which their lives changed significantly. Whether by accident or design, these are the moments when, because of a readiness within us and a collaboration with events occurring around us, we are forced to seriously reappraise ourselves and the conditions under which we live and to make certain choices that will affect the rest of our lives.” – Frederick F. Flack

Sadness flows as I think of leaving my retreat this morning. These past days have given me a new kind of peace and an open door into my soul. It has gathered together sensations that have given me true calm … deep, internal calm. I’ve seen in this week that my body, heart, and soul cry out for such calm … a chorus singing to me as I simply turn deaf ears to their mournful song. I “feel” like I’ve not had such inner calm for so very, very, very long. I “see” such a deep hole left unfilled for so very long. My retreat was such a gift … so “right” and such a good choice … so many insights and messages … and now I see the hole and “feel” what it is like … and I now stand in a different place capable of new choices.

There is no blame … no sense of failure at not having discovered this undiscovered land of calm. I simply see that I was not ready to make the journey … not assembled yet in the proper way to walk, feel, and open so that the feelings would arise as I let in the essence of the experience.

Yes, a gift brought through the moments of this week. And how it may or may not influence my future … all will be revealed in its right time. But in the “now” … in these moments as I type this last morning … in this ending yet beginning moment … it feels wonderfully rich to have walked this path, felt these feelings, and changed. My life … so touched … such feelings … it is all overwhelming …

“Believe beyond your mind’s eye and see the light, the energy that will fill your half full cup to the brim, and overflow with joyous life experiences. Think it, see it, and live it. Expand….” – Will Barnes

 
I realized today that at times I am allowing my life … my normal life … to contract my world. This week my world has expanded … not in miles traveled but rather by steps taken and lessons heard. An important take away indeed … to expand, not contract … live my life opening outward … with expansion.

“There is pleasure in the pathless woods, there is rapture in the lonely shore, there is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar; I love not Man the less, but Nature more.” – Lord Byron

Hiking … how I love it so. It is indeed a passion … a deep part of who I am. And each day’s hiking while here has offered me time to reflect, create space, and more clearly see the pieces in my life puzzle.

To hike is to discover peace and clarity. To hike is to create a much needed gap between me and the society I swim in each day. It frees … it releases … and I love feeling my feet in contact with the earth … feeling my legs work to sustain my intention to move and experience this day fully in all its moments. Hike … a passion … part of the “me” mix that I seek and truly, truly need. Creating time and space to move along the earth, on legs rich with life, experience, and intention. Hike … it is me.

“The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe.” – Gustave Flaubert

Descriptions Not Words …

As my days unfold I observe something interesting. An insight likely known before but not seen very clearly. I want to be a writer … a purveyor of words and descriptions … an observer of life that offers comments about his observations and his experiences along his journey. As I hike or move about my retreat I notice I no longer think in “words” … in singularities … but take everything I see and feel and express it in my mind as a description as though I’m committing it to written archive. Even the simplest thing … a bird in flight … becomes not just a bird but a brief story describing its place within the whole and the feelings I sense being witness to it. It is something I never recognized before … something that shifted along my way and is now how I am. Is it a signal? A sign? Or simply just a moment created by this unique circumstance called “retreat”? I will ponder it … but I sense I already know the answer …

“There is a criterion by which you can judge whether the thoughts you are thinking and the things you are doing are right for you. The criterion is: Have they brought you inner peace?” – Peace Pilgrim

It is the fourth day into my retreat. Silence grows increasingly comfortable, and is now even preferred over soft music. I napped today, cuddled in the warm sun streaming through the window, tucked in the fetal position under a warm throw. Only for a moment did my internal voice say “you must go … be active … you are here and must make full use and engage”   But then I let go realizing that I can answer such internal thoughts without filtering through obligations. So I napped and enjoyed it ever so much.

I awoke, dressed, and wondered out along the nearby cliffs overlooking Goat Rock, Arch Rock, and the crashing surf below. It all unfolded slowly … meaningfully … spiritually. I took a moment offering to photograph three women who were visiting, allowing them all to be in the same picture. It too was slow, meaningful, and touched with kindness. It felt good as did sitting there on the bluff facing the setting sun.

Now I sit on the deck, looking out across the river as it spills into the ocean, listening to the silence, typing and looking out at the increasing shadows of the setting sun. Two Canadian Geese flying up the river and toward the ocean have just passed, filling my heart with joy since they are my power animal and always stir emotion within me. It is a sign that I am in the right place at the right moment.

My inner voice is quiet. My heart feels at peace. My soul is being fed by my communing with nature in silence. I am in a place where I feel sweet … feel totally “me” … feel peacefully drifting though this hectic yet earthly world. There is much being told me in the moment. Many messages. Many truths. And because of the quieting of my mind and spirit I am able to listen and hear. It is wonderful …

“I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is.” – Alan Watts

Who We Are …

I walk alone along the beach as waves crash on my left and cliffs offer audience to my right. A brief glance reveals footsteps trailing behind me … symbols of where I’ve been … marking my past and the passage of time as each foot raised and moved me forward. I realize that this trail is an illusion … only offering a temporary sense of my life … what was … and that time itself in partnership with water and wind will soon erase these markers of my life.

It is a reminder that there is only now … all else is ethereal and fades into time. And though our journey helps define us, and offers opportunities to learn, it is only the current moment which is truly who we are.

“Abundance is a process of letting go; that which is empty can receive.” – Bryant H. McGill

Learning To Be With Myself without Expectations

Yesterday was my first, full day of this experience called “retreat”. I saw I am in transition … moving from a place where plans and tasks are defined in order to accomplish. It is the luggage I carry from living a life day-to-day without stepping back and creating space … space between what I do and who I am.

As my new day unfolded I saw much. I saw that even though I say I have no expectations, I indeed have many. I “feel” myself looking … searching … rather than “being”. I “feel” my inner energy wanting to follow a planned routine to ”reveal” instead of simply allowing spontaneous events to naturally unfold and reveal themselves. Lessons … lessons I am learning as each moment unfolds and I transition to the next moment while reflecting and remaining aware. Such valuable lessons …

As I engaged in my passion for hiking and being in nature, I practiced awareness along with leaving expectations and plans at the home from which I began my wonderings. Silence … calm … simplicity … sharp, crisp wind off the ocean … intense sunshine … long miles … hot tub upon returning … glass of wine while sitting and looking out across the river at the hamlet of Jenner … I truly felt that life in that moment … in all the moments spent that day, where truly good, rich, and nurturing.

And as I reflected and “felt”, I also gave thanks … expressed gratitude that these moments were given me and that I had taken small yet meaningful steps to create this opportunity to experience them. I gave thanks for having so much compared to many I’ve recently met that have so little.

Experiencing the moments … being in the moment … opening my heart and mind to what may or may not be revealed … not carrying expectations … all lessons learned as I ventured into this new territory called “retreat”. And I am thankful …