“Those whom we have loved never really leave us. They live on forever in our hearts, and cast their radiant light onto our every shadow.” – Sylvana Rossetti

Today I mourn the passing of a small life.  A small life that carried a very large and loving heart.

A close friend’s pet, a cat and family member of 15+ years, has completed her journey in this life.  Recently this wonderful, loving creature took a turn for the worst as she dealt with a foreign growth diagnosed as terminal.  By mid-week she continued the downward decline, seeming stoic yet offering signals from her natural, inner senses that her time for the next phase of life was almost here.  And as loving care and comfort was given, my friend heard the message, searched deep inside her soul, and together with her son made the loving and difficult decision to offer peace once more to her friend, companion, and playmate of so many years.

So yesterday was my friend’s time to begin grieving, and remembering the wonderful life shared between a cat and their guardian.  It signaled her time to navigate through loss and the painful process of beginning to let go.  It became her time to begin re-framing love expressed when alive into an even richer love built upon memories and the reliving of the feelings spawned by those memories.

And for me, I gave comfort where and when possible … and gave space for healing to begin.  And throughout it all I was reminded that the human species thrives on connection … a connection that at times can be surprisingly powerful, deep, and richly sweetened by life’s shared events accumulated each hour of each day of each year … a connection that when lost, creates pain like no other.  A connection that becomes a rich tapestry that is woven through life when lived, then folded and stored once life ends.  A connection that is love.

But the tapestry remains, ready to be pulled down from the shelf and used to wrap around you when times arrive to recall a life well lived.  Yes … such loss is terribly sad.  But as was described by this friend as she navigated the painful feelings … death is the price paid for living.  And a life well lived … a life offering deep and ever meaningful connection is worth the payment.

Be at peace as you … as your kitty spirit … flows back into the universe my dear Pepper.  You are loved because you gave love, and the sting of loss shows the depth of the love you gave.

met·a·phor

noun: metaphor; plural noun: metaphors

1. a figure of speech in which a word or phrase is applied to an object or action to which it is not literally applicable.

This past weekend I hiked the Marin Headlands.  Its vertical exposure and hills, and the vistas and ocean sounds resonate with me deeply.  Though I sometimes forget between visits, when I’m there I’m reminded how healing it is … to my mind, heart, and soul.

It was time to myself, needed to slow my internal clock, settle and focus my mind, and calm my spirit.  My pack was heavier than usual.  I have a pending backpack trip and gradual conditioning for the trip is my intention.  So now when I explore I add weight … weight to make me work as I play.  And as I ventured into the park and began the various uphill climbs I reflected on how my pack was like my life … I must experience the burdens, the burdens are sometimes added new and sometimes never removed, and all of them are there for a reason and must travel with me as I move through life and experience feelings.

And then I notice that everyone I passed had their own pack, unique to them in style, color, and weight.  I saw clearly that each of us have our burden, each unique and fitted to “us”, and none of us are strangers to this life chore.  An endless array of configurations, all meant for the same task yet all unique to the person carrying it out.  And all of us shared another trait … we carried it willingly knowing that it was part of the experience called life … threads in the fabric call “hiking the headlands”.  Yes … a metaphor … a metaphor for life.

“For all we know, the first tools on earth might have been developed by a loner sitting at the back of the cave, chipping at thousands of rocks to find the one that made the sharpest spear, while the neurotypicals chattered away in the firelight.” – author unknown

There is a young man in my life.  His name is David. His journey is a unique walk along the path called autism.  And though I intensely wish to learn more of him and his journey, David’s world cannot be reached … at least in ways my limited human experience allows.

Before David, I felt secure from knowing my communication skills and manners carried me well.  That years of training, experience, and more gave me the tools needed when searching for answers and understanding.  But upon meeting David, all that changed and I was introduced to life in a much different world.

David gives me a richer understanding of the complexity of life and what being human really represents.  Through him I’ve discovered the need to weave a different tapestry … a fabric where the need for thread is known but not the colors … some magic cloth to wrap both David and I as we share moments … a cocoon that might enable a thought to be expressed, exchanged, then reflected back so that a voice might be heard.

Through David I encountered my naivety, clearly seeing there’s so much I do not know … so much I need to re-frame in order to connect even in simple ways with this young man gifted with uniqueness.  He’s taught me many times that in his world communication is felt, not spoken.  When I hold his hand, I “feel” his presence.  I “feel” his humanity churning inside.  I “feel” his song ready to be sung … wanting to be sung … and “feel” what possibly is his unclear frustration from an inability to sing it.  But unlike the rest of the world I deal with each day, David’s world rests in a place I cannot hear … only “feel”.

Many talk of the day in the future when our world discovers life elsewhere in the universe.  They talk about technologies and techniques meant to bridge the gap between such civilizations so that each might stand before the other and reach a new and deeper understanding of life from the other.  Yes, talk of the future … anticipating a time when this moment may arise and our view and understanding of the cosmos expands beyond its current, experience-limited boundaries.

But I submit that this time has already arrived.  This opportunity to delve into a world far different from our usual day-to-day existence is already exposed to us.  That technologist and others now have the opportunity to turn their creative talents and enthusiasm to releasing greater understanding.  Here … among us … already within touch is a part of our humanity ready to share with us an incredibly unique understanding of being human.  Yet, we only see it as some dim condition rather than this miraculous opportunity to gain insights and understanding of ourselves and life similar to ours yet different.

So let us ask among ourselves … How might we measure success as a society under these conditions?  How might we channel the wealth and knowledge of our nation to resolving these conditions?  How might we place these conditions upon the ladder of priorities among other tasks standing before us?  How might we give a voice to a young man having a song but unable to sing it …

“We must welcome the future, remembering that soon it will be the past; and we must respect the past, remembering that it was once all that was humanly possible.” – George Santayana

A day to remember … to recall … to honor sacrifice, commitment, and love for others.  But there’s a twist … a wrinkle to the nature of my Memorial Day celebrated from deep within my heart.

Yesterday I hiked.  For me it is a passion that renews my soul and my inner life force by experiencing that which truly resonates.  Of all things I do, moving across the planet while outdoors touches me in a deep, joyful place which opens me to more reflective thinking.

My trail of choice was my favorite, and along its several miles there is a place … a special place … a place where ashes from my life are lightly spread as the final resting place for the earthly remains of my mom.

From a grass-protected nest she overlooks the ocean and the rugged yet overwhelming beautiful coastline.  The wind, roar, fog, night sky and sun flow over her each day and night making this her earthly home while serving her a buffet of sensations she would have dearly loved.  Yet her final years were spent restricted, unable to live such things freely and without fear.  So now she … whatever “she” means … experiences a full measure of the beauty of nature that she enjoyed but couldn’t experience.

And as I stood nearby her … also enjoying those sensations … I reflected and gave thanks in memory to her.  I thanked her (and my dad who died when I was six) for their military service during WWII where they met and shared rich and frightening times as members of a Mash unit moving alongside the troops as the war moved from beachhead to final victory in Europe.  I thanked them for their sacrifice, and their willingness to experience the fear and sadness of war for what the world felt was a greater good.

And as I stood nearby her … above the gentle grass that looks out to sea … I gave thanks.  It was my personal memorial … an expression of gratitude for the equal sacrifice and commitment she gave me (and later gave my younger brother who has now passed).  I thanked her for her caring when I was hurt … her support for allowing me to grow and experience life … and her love expressed even in her own, emotionally closed way.  I clearly saw it reflected in the maturity of me having lived a full life, that she gave so much … I saw it in that moment … I felt it in that moment … in that instance standing among the sensations of being surrounded by such beauty.  A Memorial Day … remembering and giving honor to someone that gave the best they had … someone that gave their full measure … someone who is missed, loved, and is not forgotten.

“The secret of success is to be in harmony with existence, to be always calm to let each wave of life wash us a little farther up the shore.” – Cyril Connolly

A strong sense continues to rise.  I am in transition, movement that is intensified by recent life changes and the feelings they create.  There seems to be many “things” each morning that compete for my attention.  Bills and the mechanics of life usually call, but so do things that nurture my spirit in more emotional ways.  And some are reminders that in life, people add substance and meaning … people and the connections they evoke and create.  Sensitive connections that are special because they have meaning and remind me of my changing life and the reframing underway.

How can one’s life require so many touch points in order to move forward day-to-day?  At times it “feels” like a shattered mirror scattered upon my table … each jagged piece reflecting a part of me … so much to organize, no clear beginning, and little sense that my effort will result in wholeness.  And while I drift and work with these sensations I also realize that it is simply the way things are … what is.  It is how this time on this planet operates … the same yet different for each human standing on the surface.  Acceptance … seems to be one of today’s themes and the renewing of my belief that all is as it is meant to be … and is good.

So I will venture into another day.  This one will be a bit different for it will begin by spending more time looking inward.  I’ll ask “have I reached out with kindness” and apply that criteria with more awareness as the day unfolds.  A day of variety.  A day of reflection and renewed commitment.  A day of discovery.  A day of feelings both fresh and revisited.

I am engaged in my own retuning … discovering the kind and nature of my self-instrument then setting off to harmonize it to its natural and unique sounds.  It is work made joyful when the thrill is felt while discovering something new about me … something more revealed as my years move forward into my future.

“If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living.” – Gail Sheehy
I gaze out my window and draw a deep, peaceful breath.  What I see creates a new, fresh peace deep within me.  This kind of peace has not been felt for such a long time but it now speaks with a voice and expresses itself such that it stands next to me … within me … like never before.

It is a simple image I see … flowers, color, and nature’s palette painted onto an organic canvas that draws life from the sun and nourishment from the soil.  Simple yet significant to me for it touches me in ways I’ve missed for many years.  And though some would say it is merely a small garden, to me it is much more for it touches my core … an important and deep part of me that when touched creates penetrating joy within me and allows peace to flow throughout my soul.  And it is here … now at arm’s reach … now part of my living space … space that now places me closer to nature … closer to a deep part of me that drives my sense of joy and happiness.  It is here as part of a new, small, yet significantly different living space I call home.

Again, time has passed without my entries.  My blogging has gone dark for many weeks.  It reflects a time of transition still consuming me, an inner churning that broke earlier rhythms and causes me to continue drifting with the universe to see where a greater, future calmness lies.  Though moments such as my retreat spawn my need to write and express inner thoughts and feelings, sustaining such expressions has not felt natural.

But I sense a change … a shift.  A move to a simple, new place to live is the catalyst.  It “feels” like it is the morning of a new day, a new week, and a world full of fresh intentions.  There are interesting sensations … messages from within of my wonderful life that when considered create warm feelings of joy.  I ride some wave of greater alignment and the water beneath my feet feels fresh, vibrate, and cold.  A time in my journey unexpected while relished.

Yes … the feelings are strong today.  And those feelings reflect my recent passage through this latest doorway into a room offering several other doors.  My inner quest for more complete calmness, taming those pieces still seeking calm, motivates me to consider each door and the potential behind them.  Some doors seem marked, some not.  But the sense is strong within me to explore and keep moving forward into change while simultaneously taking more moments to re-align and center so that my intentions become sharper to guide my choices.  And the urge to move forward is strong, driven by how rich these new, current feelings seem.  As I’ve said before, it’s all about feelings and my recent decisions have set in motion this theory in dramatically new ways.

So the drift is different, and the sense of more change strong and fresh.  I know that each step I take is now roaming this new hallway and as I walk I must become clear on my feelings … clear on what I feel and what I wish to create … so that more is understood as I knock upon each door to test it for echoes of alignment.  Rest I can’t … knock I must … change requires engagement … and my choice is to continue my quest for change.

“The three great elemental sounds in nature are the sound of rain, the sound of wind in a primeval wood, and the sound of outer ocean on a beach.” – Henry Beston

Yes, the elements of nature surround me this morning, and have been my partner throughout this week.  And this morning the rain … the rain pours and hammers out deep, pounding rhythms against the walls offering me dry warmth.  The storm is upon me and this land, and it seems fitting as the parting serenade.

The final day of my retreat is upon me. The week now seems no more than a soft and gentle blur.  These incredibly wonderful and reflective days, each rich and penetrating, have taken their one-way road into my past.  Each day is passed only once in this life, yet the awareness from living it remains in my pack of life experiences that is carried upon my back as I walk the journey into my future.

And my pack from this week is heavy.  The week has left its mark.  Some combination of me, the setting, and the surrounding circumstances has given me a surprisingly powerful experience, one filled with all the wealth and riches one might desire.  It has given me opportunities to discover and grow.  It has shown me the path into my soul.  It has demonstrated for me the wonderful life fulfilling feelings that can be experienced when one seeks change, opens themselves fully to feelings, and allows themselves to directly connect to special places within themselves where life forces touch the soul.

Yes … this was quite a week.  A week where I got my changes, I felt my feelings, I rediscovered formulas for creating a richer life, and I had fun … such fun … fun that in the end makes me feel grateful for being alive.  Yes, I am the same man yet different, wiser, and happier.  And yes, I had fun … such fun …

“To attain inner peace you must actually give your life, not just your possessions. When you at last give your life – bringing into alignment your beliefs and the way you live then, and only then, can you begin to find inner peace.” – Peace Pilgrim

Two days ago in the fog, wet, and cold I found myself at the edge of a cliff.  It was a moment filled with feelings. Standing at the edge, looking out across the open ocean and crashing surf below, seeing the dark monoliths standing as sentinels guarding the land, I felt as though nature had set the stage of this enormously overpowering play.  And as I stood in the midst of this setting near the edge of the stage, feeling the rain and cold wind against my face, I felt something deep within me awaken more fully than ever before.  From many corners of my inner being a chorus of voices pronounced …

This is the life for me!

This is the moment sought … and the treasure discovered!

This is truly a magical moment in my wonderful life!

For that moment … in that instant … like no other moment before … I felt truly in harmony with all that is me.  All the pieces in my puzzle came together and felt comfortably fitted into place.  It was truly a moment like none I recall … a moment to remember … seek … and relish.

My life offers so many gifts, I simply need to go out and experience them …

“The only Zen you can find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.” – Robert M. Pirsig

What a glorious day …  out in the fog, wet, cold, and biting wind.  All made me feel alive.  It seemed perfect for whatever I needed because it resonated deeply as I roamed the hills and grasslands of the coast.  As I roamed I sought high ground … some high point lost in the fog that was hugging the land around me.  An inner voice said “go up … soar” and so the high ground was found.

As I topped the final few steps to stand above all else around me I felt an overwhelming sense that this was Steve’s Mountain.  Yes, this was my mountain, Steve’s Mountain, in this unique moment on the continuum of moments comprising my life. And with no other human in sight I declared it as such.

Recognize that this is not an “official” designation.  Steve’s Mountain won’t pop up on a GPS unit. And yes, other boots have surely found their way to this spot at the top, and other boots will likely do so in the future.  But in this moment … in this “NOW” it was my boots that stood at this place, allowing me to stand tall, outstretch my arms, and invite the bite of the cold, wet wind … usher it in so that I could feel it pierce right into my soul.  It dove deep … very deep … and felt ever so good.  My soul was energized … my soul was at peace … my soul felt renewed and fresh and equipped to take on another day.

Yes, what a glorious day this was.

“Silence is the sleep that nourishes wisdom.” – Francis Bacon

I am once again on my personal retreat … an event begun last year and now an annual tradition providing an opportunity to realign, discover, understand, and grow within.  And as I stepped out at the beginning of my first day I heard in the quietness the “silence that isn’t”.  This unique silence helps me peel away society’s layer of noise and interference.   It helps me remove and scrub clean the stories overlaid upon me by reunions with my past and new circumstances surrounding me so that my true inner self … my core … is reveal for review, assessment, and understanding.

And you may ask … What is this strange “silence that isn’t”?  It is simply the silence that lies beneath society’s turbulence …it is the silence of nature.  Though some might say it is quiet here, much is detectable.  The songs and rantings of the raven, the caroling of geese, the surges and muffled roars of distant waves, and the rustling of branches as the wind seeks passage are only a few of the many sounds of nature’s special silence.

And it is this wonderfully unique silence that is the gift given me during my retreats.  As I listen deeply so much is revealed, and in the process my inner self is exposed.  Those pieces of me that go underground as I live day-to-day, and now re-emerge to remind me of my truer essence.

Yes, much is revealed during my retreat, in its hiking or just in its “being”.  My retreat allows time to feel and experience … my retreat allows me another opportunity to understand my inner self … my retreat gives me new, needed space and a momentary life running at a different pace … a pace where discoveries occur.  And with these discoveries comes a different, more understood, and more self-loved me.

There is something … an ability to process more intensely and deeply … that only comes when one faces each hour alone and does so in a setting that truly resonates with one’s soul.  When no opportunity exists to get lost in conversation, the dialog begins within and this is my time for such conversation.  Such a wonderful gift this “silence that isn’t”.