“Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.” – Albert Einstein

Moved by the music of the wind, all that is alive before me this early morning dances. From my balcony seats in this theater called nature, the trees, shrubs, flowers and all that grows offer this beautiful choreography so natural and fulfilling. It moves me … it calms me … it creates feelings of love … it humbles me … and it creates passion I cannot contain. I am fortunate to hold a ticket to this performance. So glad to be alive in this moment …

“It is not the beauty of a building you should look at; it’s the construction of the foundation that will stand the test of time.” – Davis Allan Coe

Trimming the Old Growth

A pot offering succulents and a single, young redwood resides on the railing outside on the deck. Its gaze is across the Russian River and on to the hamlet of Jenner. To its left is the ocean and the rugged Sonoma coast that meets it before it fades into the endless horizon.

I approach and notice dark lifeless pieces clinging to each of the plants resting in this spiritually gifted location. Old growth … remnants of days past attached as though needed for daily life and breath. I begin to trim … gently and with reverence removing each dead piece and allowing it to fall to the foot of the mother plant … allowing it to take on a new role of being part of the plants foundation … its past … the wisdom upon which it now stands and thrives each new day.

When reflecting I see the metaphor for life and its journey … to reveal the “Old Growth” so that it can be honored, lovingly removed, and added to the foundation of what comprises me as I stand today. Life’s journey … meant to reveal … meant to trim, strengthen my roots, and unveil the most beautiful and vibrant part of me.

What an incredible journey it is …

“Do not underestimate the determination of a quiet man.” – Lain Duncan Smith

My First Sunrise and Self Cleaning

Morning coffee is important to me. Some might call it an addiction but I choose to label it a “comforting tradition”. For me it represents a moment when there is peace … where I feel in the moment that “all is well in the universe”, and the aromas and tastes help convince me that indeed it is true. So it is obvious that ensuring a continued ability to sustain this early morning ceremony would be an important item on my “check list” for this adventure. And it was.

So as I awoke to this first morning holding close my good intentions, I began this first day not knowing that my initial opportunity for a “lesson” was soon to unfold. I confidently filled the coffee maker with pure water, inserted the filter, counted out the measures of coffee blended into my most preferred combination of tastes, poured in the water and pressed the “on” button. A familiar background gurgling sound emanated from the machine but somehow it seemed different … something I would know since I have this very same Cuisinart machine at home.

Ah … the answer … “Self-Cleaning” … “Self-Cleaning” was the utterance from this device of humankind as I realized that my intended coffee was not to result but that my special blend brew was circulating throughout the machine as the cleaning agent it thought needed.

“If doing something the same way results in the same result, one must do something different” … or at least something like that … so I Googled the brand and model for possible wisdom and guidance, and developed strategies to employ in hopes of doing something different. Naively I also set off to try to salvage my brew while working to change the machine’s intent … taking the grounds that might remain and discover a creative means of collecting at least one cup for consumption while the machine continued on its path to somewhere other than in my service.

As each step was taken another opportunity arose to “feel” like I was in some reality show testing my patience and problem solving skills. Thinking I might salvage some of my first try at producing my glorious nectar, I took the affected filter cone and grounds to a cup, heated water, and poured fresh hot water in the filter held in position over the cup. One might think … “ahh, indeed a simple yet creative approach”. Not so for I “learned” that coffee filters are not designed to be suspended as the weight of water is poured down upon them. The result … a successfully and uniquely created cup of black sludge.

I am trained to stick to it … to not give in simply because the task is hard … so I continued my efforts to create one cup of coffee. So I took another cup, placed three filters inside each other, and added water to the cup of sludge. I needed to heat the sludge so I placed it into the microwave to heat. A new microwave … never used … sometimes produces unanticipated results … at least that was the next lesson learned. For as I heard the bell, opened the door, and reached in I saw that the cup of sludge had graduated into a lake of brown liquid with the glorious sludge cup standing proudly at its core.

So more cleaning (this time me) and again an attempt to heat the sludge with yet more water, but setting the time from a place of knowledge and experience. Ahh-ha … success … at least only the diluted sludge remained. So once again, breath held, I poured the heated sludge into the triple layers of filters and SLOWLY my brew began to emerge. The sigh of relief and the joy of success flowed through me and my new digs. I was left with my first cup of coffee for the morning.

I’ve come to understand that machines can become narrowly focused and they remain focused on execution of task without regard for need, time, or sanity of those it was intended to serve. This machine clearly abided by these principles because its sole intention for over the past 4 hours has been to clean itself despite any efforts to convince it otherwise. Needless to say, I savored the one cup for I knew that a second was unlikely until the machine surrendered it’s continue focus on cleaning. And as of this typing, the machine continues to hold tightly to its cause. New actions have been taken to replace the machine … but the solution is still unfolding. Simply more lessons in letting go of plans … seeking truth and knowledge … and savoring small offerings that mean much.

It is indeed a rich first day of my retreat … and gives one a new perspective on being “clean”.

“That perfect tranquility of life, which is nowhere to be found but in retreat, a faithful friend and a good library.” – Aphra Behn

Retreat – Space to listen

I am on a retreat … something never done before but felt needed. My intention is to offer myself time … space … and opportunity to dip inside and hear what I already own. This coming year there are many things on my horizon, many important things, and of those several are unclear. Those that are unclear require my action but those actions remain simply a list of known possibilities from which an eventual choice must surface.

So my inner voice suggested a retreat. It spoke to me many months ago and I listened. I’ve learned to listen better to these inner voices. And I acted with the result this week living in a small yet incredibly beautiful setting overlooking the ocean and river, and offering the sounds of wind, surf, and seals. I’ve given myself a gift … space … opportunity … and now I simply will open myself to the adventure.

I’ll share it as days unfold. I hope both you and I find it at least interesting and at best filled with lessons for use along our journeys.

Alone but not sad … such an interesting feeling.

It is Christmas Day, 2014, and I am alone.  I am alone this Christmas Day, a result of rhythms in the universe and in my life, influenced by my choices, and crafted by the journey I walk but do not fully understand.

I sit at the coast, before an altar of crashing surf, stiff cold winds, and beautiful clear blue skies.  The sermon is softly spoken in this cathedral, delivered with clarity by the bite of the wind.  Inner feelings speak their message that my life churns beneath my surface like the surf in front of me.

I sit alone on a day seemingly designed for family, friends, and loved ones to gather.  Though there is someone close I wish was near in this moment, I don’t feel sad … simply alone … and calm … but also feeling different from the world flowing around me.  These are different moments … different feelings than in the past.  I see it as a reflection of the changes morphing me … changes seemingly occurring more and more under the surface of my outward facing persona.

It is not sadness I feel but simply aloneness … a sense of being alone while also feeling a sense of calmness flow through me.  Calmness created by another sense that something new is being experienced and I am traveling with it on some journey into my future.

Life is awareness and change.  As some say … “… loneliness describes the pain of being alone” while “… solitude describes the peace of being alone”.  I sense solitude today, and that feeling reflects a change within me.  I also realized a moment of earlier, greater understanding … how the holiday season and its music, cheer, flood of icons, and emergence of past memories and feelings all ended in an instant … a brief moment of intense finality as the clock crossed the boundary into today and my life began awakening this morning.  Yet another metaphor for life and its impermanence … along with change … forever change.  They all are the “rules of the road” on my journey, along with many others that seem to emerge along the way.

“You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.” – John Bunyan

Yesterday I touched my soul.  I touched it by experiencing moments where all that I am met all that I was in the moment.  Everything that resonates for me … everything I respond to from joy and deep, warm, inner feelings was touched.  I was a wonderer who had suddenly discovered a path long sought, and the sun rose to illuminate the moment and bring healing to my soul.

Early in the morning … in the dark … standing in the pouring rain and chill … humanity at its best stood clearly in the sunlight.  I stood shoulder-to-shoulder in the pouring rain with those giving and those in need.  Catholic Charities’ Homeless Outreach … a moment each week where those in need receive dignity, food, clothing, and support … had allowed me the opportunity to participate and in doing so, opened my heart wider than I ever thought possible.  I will forever be changed.

Finding words to describe my feelings in those moments is difficult, if not impossible.  Such feelings are simply that … emotional sensations within one’s body that bring rise to something greater.  But each act done by each volunteer or staff made a difference in someone’s life.  Each act lifted a small piece of a burden carried by another human being. And each look back … each interaction left something rich and powerful behind for me to carry away.  So many gifts, though not expected but cherished just the same.

It is a noble cause … especially meaningful this time of year when storms and memories challenge one’s day-to-day survival.  A noble cause … something difficult to proclaim in these modern times where the fog of media and fear seem to distort or hide the love that truly exists. Each act on this dark, cold morning gave rise to a chance to soar … to regain a perspective lost … to understand the power of kindness … and to understand one’s self.  The moments I experienced changed me … told me clearly what I’m meant to do … opened my heart beyond measure and reinforced that clarity was achieved and life purpose identified.

I am a man changed, and it “feels” ever so wonderful …

“Dance is bigger than the physical body. When you extend your arm, it doesn’t stop at the end of your fingers, because you’re dancing bigger than that; you’re dancing spirit.” – Judith Jamison

There are many special people in my life and I am grateful for each. I am also grateful for those I am intended to meet in my future along my journey. My heart sings loudest for one very special person … one person that holds a very place in my heart. We dance, and I hold her in my mind this morning and look forward to us dancing this evening as we do each week.

When we dance, I feel her hand in mine as we step in graceful circles on the floor of life. We share a rhythm, and practice to discover how our steps must be to offer harmony in the part of life we share. Each circle offers change … growing confidence … moments of frustration and confusion. This is the music of dance … this is the music of life and this dance grants us joyful discovery in a life lived only once.

Our dance reflects our shared lives … shared moments and movement through change … searching for balance while we each are following our compass of feelings.  I am learning the dance.  I know not the steps but learn them as we flow across the floor of time and space.  I know not the future, and hardly understand the present but I continue … I choose to remain engaged in this process based on nothing certain yet defining our life in this moment and in foreseeable moments.  Trust, faith, courage, and love … all colorful clothing we wear as we move and learn.  This dance … this “life” … this thing we move through on our way to the horizon.  Such a dance … such a dance of feelings and discovery.

“If you don’t get lost, there’s a chance you may never be found.” – Author Unknown

I continue to do more of my work … listening to my fears and doing my best to move through them for greater understanding. My small steps “feel” like they are adding up for I “feel” a different inner sense that my path is becoming clearer … at least one aspect of it. The remainder simply reveals itself in the moment. My latest changes … mixing and shaking up the old, stuck rhythms … seem refreshing and effective. This includes exploring a daily practice to offer me more foundation. I will continue my efforts and take what is given me by the universe, but I also will act and make changes I feel will free me.

And I will take care of myself. My recent renewed focus on “me” … taking more time and attention for me and doing small things during the day that bring me increased joy and sense of play … it feels good. My intention is that from such increased good feelings I will poor myself a larger measure of self-love for myself, allowing me to forgive myself more deeply, and allowing the imperfect me to rise stronger than the perfect me I was taught to demand. It will help keep me whole as I traverse the daily confusion and chaos. My mix is new … finding itself … but also fluid and not ridged. I seek “feelings” … not structure … and I feel I need to keep that as a mantra as I continue to explore these new paradigms for living at a daily level.

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” – Marcel Proust

I awaken this morning in gratitude, moved by a YouTube video created over this past Thanksgiving holiday by a close friend’s gifted and talented son. It celebrates in a special and touching way the long, close friendship my friend has with a buddy of many years, someone that has shared his walk through life in sunshine and rain. The video is called “Ray and Barry – They’re Old Friends” and is at:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rXF8qyCDX8

As I reflect I am touched by each point of friendship I sense in my wonderful life. Each point where I reach out and a hand … a thought … a feeling is reflected back. Such points are not large in number but there is a deep richness among them, a depth that varies but is felt richly just the same.

I am a man that cherishes deep connection. However, my life has been a journey of loneliness. A man alone within this crowded planet we call home. My scripts caused me to protect myself, never allowing connections or relationships that might go deep and open me up to hurt. I learned early that deep connection, as was the connection with my father, as much as I crave and desire it, takes you to a place of intense pain should it end. Mine ended with my father around age 5. I experienced such pain early and decided within me that the price was too high so I controlled how deep friendships went and firmly established a way of living that promoted aloneness.

As I discovered my feelings in recent years I’ve begun to open myself again to the richness of friendships. Old ways change slowly and new ways of being are still being learned, but I “feel” and see it differently now. This new way of seeing helps me break old ways … old patterns. I learn new steps to this dance of friendship, and the fresh music makes me want to practice more. Moments like this morning feed the fire for change, and with renewed thoughts and feelings about connection I will move forward into today. It seems to be what I need … what can add to nurturing my joy.

“Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

I reflect on this holiday just navigated. It was a holiday of change. It was time untried, unexplored, and unknown. I entered the currents from the river bank not truly knowing where I would emerge, yet I pushed into the water with trust. It was a step needing to be taken … because I must continue to explore the unknown boundaries of myself and the changes occurring to me. I must keep exploring for I travel towards a destination unknown yet felt and sensed. The promised land of “Me” … a land not visited by any other explorer … a land known only in legend and tale.

My journey is a quest and each day I walk along knowing that I will arrive somewhere each evening different from where I began. For I travel each day through the fog of “Change” and the dust of “Awareness” and each brings forth new, undiscovered dimensions of this man … dimensions adding depth and understanding … new substance for this soul traveling its journey. The challenge … remaining open and vulnerable, sustaining positive thoughts and visions of what can be, and taking each fresh step throughout each day in a new, untried direction. My mantra … Move Forward. The reward … Discovery … and “Me”.