“Over every mountain there is a path, although it may not be seen from the valley.” – Theodore Roethke

Hearing the music, seeing the path …

I begin movement into another day bordering on the edge of a work week. It’s a familiar dance, altered at times by different rhythms and music but essentially the same. But deep inside those rhythms where feelings reside, a much more dynamic world exists. A world that shines light on what “is” and gives me clues for direction. Sometimes the light is dim, poorly illuminating the wealth of information that is offered. Sometimes the light is intense, clearly showing the way to understanding. Answers are still wanted … What path to take? What step to make? What is truth and what is false desire? What is my true purpose and what is only curiosity? In the end all we have is this thing called “intention” … a map showing the possible road but not the cities along it or the end destination. And hung on intention is trust … trust that my feelings will reveal the place where answers wait to show themselves. Trust in myself that I will be clear enough … wise enough … to listen to my inner music and let it help reveal to me the answers I seek.

I’ve listened to much inner music … and seek it out more and more … but I sense there is so much more to take in. And what becomes of the result? More rooms to visit, illuminate, and explore in hopes of discovering myself … my true self. It all is a continuous journey requiring my attention … my letting go to embrace the new … then letting go again in order to discover even more new. And the interesting thing seems that this process is underway regardless of our choices since even those unaware are changing … changing in undetectable ways but changing the just the same. It all is the way … the “way” … the path we know exists but may not see … and we chose to be an active or a passive partner with this process.

“The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough.” – Rabindranath Tagore

This morning unfolds in rich feelings. My music combined with my early writing to loved ones creates many messages of gentle love within me … wishes of peace and caring for others. Feelings swell from within … it is my love moving from within me to the world I move in. My soul yearns to again “feel” the experience of connection … learn what it “feels” like to experience the sensations carried into my heart when deep connection occurs within our human experience.

As I continue I create more and more loving feelings to carry into my day of discovery … to place into the rucksack that I will carry upon my back as I travel today’s portion of my evolving life’s journey.  My passion is hiking … and to carry such a loving burden on my life journey feels rich and wonderful.  It is love … it is kindness … it is me in my purest state.

And in my pack is something else … something else known to exist and felt upon my shoulders.  Something that is me yet not fully known.  It is my purpose … my full and total meaning for this life.  Connection now is painted on this canvas but I feel more colors and shapes will be added soon.  I simply continue to carry my paints and palette so that I am ready to fill more of my canvas should moments of revelation occur as I hike on my journey.  An artist of life … an artist of my own life.  I’ve always felt I was meant to be an artist and here I’m already being the artist of my own life.  How interesting.

So again I move into today from a higher plain … an emotional and spiritual place higher than yesterday’s beginning.  Built on what has gone before yet unique to this moment.  Each step new while reflecting each moment before.  Each step a moment … this moment … this rare moment that will never visit again and which offers so much that is rich and wonderful.  I am a man built from moments.  And the building will never stop … and I would never want it to stop … for each moment is me … and each feeling is me … and it is all so very wonderful.

“Fate is not destiny. Destiny is something you create. Destiny has a calling to it. And a beckoning out into the unknown. Our job in life – if we want to be happy, is to step into our destiny, into our calling.” – Author Unknown

Directed randomness …

I follow my path to work each morning. Driving down familiar streets and passing landmarks that over time have melted into the background. But this morning is different. Possibly a result of changes going on within me over these past many months and especially over these past two weeks.

The background no longer hides … it pushes the landmarks out to meet me … engaging with my consciousness. I see cars filled with people … truly see them … each different and unique … and I realize we all share this kind of “directed randomness” … all moving with a shared purpose but all on separate paths serving our personal needs in this moment. All different … yet all shared. And this shared moment will never occur again … it is unique in this moment. It is like water flowing from many streams into an ever moving and expanding river, then leaking out while on the journey downstream as the water is taken back into the soil along the bank. The river forever changes in each and every moment, never to repeat itself again. So too is life … each moment unique and randomly shared as we all travel our journey.  The sense of awareness is truly extraordinary.

A day … this day … moments … new moments … each moment reveals itself and pulls and pushes me down my path and along my journey. A puppet for the Universe given I offer myself through vulnerability and trust. It remains increasingly interesting … and exciting when felt and experienced.

“The only journey is the one within.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

 As I lay before me my moments … my life moments … those spent in love shine brightest. Yes … my life is built on many good moments but those spent in love and with connection are richer, deeper, and more resonating than others.

My moments are me … me as I unfold like a flower in the sunshine of my awakening life. As my personality opens and reveals my soul to the warmth of the sun, I feel love and increasing peace. At times it challenges me not to focus on such delightful feelings, wanting more. But the wisdom and beauty is in letting go of such wants and allowing the Universe to orchestrate the symphony of life around me. I must learn how to simply settle back, rest in joy, and allow myself to receive. It is some of my work … lessons still to be learned.

My future approaches but I know not what it is. All I do know is that I must continue to take small steps in the direction I sense is “me”, open myself to what occurs, and have faith. It remains yet another lesson for a man trained to plan, control, and anticipate what might be. Living simply … less defined … more open to the moment … loving … offering kindness … all seem to be ingredients to the recipe needing to be followed as I continue my journey.

My future is headed towards me even though I cannot see it. It is a strange sensation … knowing significant change and shifting is coming but being unable to see it … see its form. It is likely part of the test … applying what my lessons are offering in terms of new ways to navigate my life and journey towards the undefined. It all is a challenge … a challenge that I “feel” but cannot see.

So I enter another day reframing myself so that I recognize the reality I face.  Seeing the lessons underway and the conditions of unknowingness.  Clarifying the frame surrounding today so that I can move more gracefully through the day as I “take in” and not expect.  The dance … the dance of my journey … moving to my inner music and rhythms while learning the steps.

Cultivating simplicity … harvesting peaceful feelings …

I sit in my man cave … my nest … at the end of this day. I have been “clearing away the old” of me … old papers, old pictures, old settings for my simple furniture. A new rug served as a catalyst for much of this. It drove my need to change … create something fresh, new, and different. The look is fresh … clean … simple. The simplicity resonates and I’m left with feelings like I’m going through a cleansing. My inner peace is strengthened. I like the new open feel, and the growing sense of simplicity. My heart settles … calmed by the sense of decreased confusion. My feelings encourage me to do more.

Letting go … letting go of the past … letting go of the now … moving to a place that offers me what I truly need … greater simplicity and preparation for the future and its pending changes. I discover I’ve surrounded myself by the past … something that locks me to that past … and my inner feelings now say it is time to not rely upon old artifacts to recall my past … but focus on only those few that truly bring deeper feelings from within. It is an interesting yet powerful dance I’m learning … steps and moves that seem needed as I travel my journey into my future.

Clear space … white walls … black furniture … splashes of color … sense of form and order … all creating a metaphor for my evolving life. There is a very Zen quality to what is unfolding from all this change … and it seems to be giving me a baseline from which to emotionally measure my decisions on how to proceed. It all is a training ground for my newly forming life … something of a class room for learning.

Cool huh?

Some time ago I wrote in my blog …

“Sounds are being tried on, rhythms are being explored, and a new song is under construction. Though beginning to emerge, a harmonic rhythm remains elusive and has yet to rise from the fog of awakening. Clarity comes and goes, and at times it seems as though the work has only begun even though it seems like endless time and effort have been expended.”

This morning I rest in new yet familiar space … a space and place described by this humble expression. So much has changed for me. So much of “me” is not what it was. Change has become addictive while at the same time exhausting because I have yet to discover a place of replenishment … a port in the storm of reframing into what I am meant to become. My “port” is elusive … hidden under the fog of life and resisting detection. At times I hear its song calling and I momentarily touch its shores, but then I drift back out into the waters and lose site and sense of the peace of its offering … and I once again begin my search.

I sense that one cannot constantly morph without also discovering a means to consistently integrate moments of peace … some continuity of inner harmony blended with the tasting of a sense of spiritual rest and reflection. Feelings brought on through genuine, deep internal reflection and detachment from the “pace” of change. The challenge is that such a process is learned … learning based upon evidence produced from our feelings. I touch … I experience … yet I have not been successful at integrating my “peaceful port” process. I feel its absence … feel the effects … feel a “loss” from not being able to navigate to this place more frequently and consistently. The result is sensory fatigue. Fatigue brought on by not taking rhythmic breaths as the race is run. Yes … the paradox of experiencing rhythm amid the discontinuity of constant change. Discovering how to dance such diverse steps in my dance of life … simultaneously and with blended harmony. It does seem that my inner voice is whispering that this is my work, added to the already long list of areas to explore as I continue my journey through awakening and life.

So this is where I rest this morning. Moving through the waters just off shore from my peaceful island. Moving through the fog of life while seeking a port in the storm. A man seeking greater peace while also seeking greater change. A paradox … a dance … a search for greater rhythm. It is my journey within my journey.

Love … it is such an interesting process. 

There is a special woman in my life … a princess of kindness and love.  When thinking about her a collage of feelings arise.  Yes … deep, rich feelings flood me when I share her space and learn of her experiences, share her joys and pain, stand near her, touch her, kiss her, and feel her strength and softness. Each moment creates different combinations off the palette of love feelings … and mixed together they all paint this incredibly complex and ever changing portrait of how I feel about her.  Though ever changing there is one constant theme that consistently emerges … My love for her grows deeper and stronger each day, as does my understanding of her uniqueness.  It is all wonderfully rich … 🙂

“Your intuition will tell you where you need to go; it will connect you with people you should meet; it will guide you toward work that is meaningful for you – work that brings you joy, work that feels right for you.” – Shakti Gawain

I am a man on a path … walking without a map but learning more and more to trust my intuition and signals from my universe. Learning more and more to sense and listen to my inner feelings so that I can use that compass to help me understand me and my world, and make choices. I have so much more to learn … more trust to gain … more signals to detect and understand. That seems to be the way it unfolds for me … a constant pealing of the “onion of life” that reveals deeper and deeper layers along the way. An interesting lesson in itself for a man raised on trying to anticipate so that he could control. Change … more changes … more newness … more me surfaces. Definitely a work in progress.