“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” – Epicurus

Giving Thanks for a Thanksgiving of Change.

Thursday was a day of thanks … and I am grateful that I was able to spend it with those I love. It was a day of change … change because what was tradition was no more, while new traditions began to emerge … change because I am letting go of the old and moving through the unknown towards some new, unknown destination.

The holidays are morphing … changing … reforming for me. At times my mind wonders back to earlier times … to earlier feelings … to rich feelings crated from earlier traditions. But such traditions and feelings no longer exist because time moves forward and life changes. Letting go is the lesson here … letting go while acknowledging the joy of past experiences.

And of those I spent time with, one in particular is loved ever so deeply in friendship as well as in loving partnership. I am grateful for the uniqueness of this relationship, with both of us discarding established paradigms and allowing that which fits us best to grow and be nurtured. Letting go … learning new lessons … creating a new paradigm … listening to my inner compass and more have all allowed me to explore the unknown within such a unique relationship. It offers opportunities for flexibility, affection, respect, learning, and refining a willingness to adapt without expectations. It has taught me much and has set the stage for growth and life lessons in many other ways.

Yes … I am grateful … very grateful.

“A single rose can be my garden… a single friend, my world.” – Leo Buscaglia

I spent Saturday with a good friend. We traveled into San Francisco on the Ferry … something we’ve done every month or so for some time now. He drives from the east bay and I come from the north, both driving about the same distance to Larkspur from which we launch our day.

This ongoing ritual brings richness to my heart and meaning to my soul. He and I have shared a long history, built upon many shared adventures. Life lived … assortments of life challenges, divorces, children growing into young adults, and learning to mature ourselves in a way that continues to give meaning … all shared between us. We talk … for hours … and the talk reflects the deep lives we both have lived and the challenges facing us as we move forward into more years. But recent trips seem to have taken a new, somewhat fresh direction … a direction richer than those taken before. We each are discovering how to navigate significant life changes … each searching in our own way for more meaning in our lives … reaching for something better while each sharing insights and observations on how to approach it all.

Such rich time spent … I am ever so grateful.

“It wasn’t so much what I wanted to do, but rather WHO I wanted to be!” – Diane Nyad

Like each day along our life journey, today was a new day … one with new beginnings … one offering new choices … one from which we all can step cleanly from and enter new feelings, riding on lessons learned over the past.

Yesterday I went hiking with a good friend. I felt connected as we talked … connected to my friend and connected to the natural world surrounding me. Being in nature healed me and nurtured me as I connected. It was a perfect fit to who I am … a day with connection doing what I truly love.

I now move into a new week … one in which I must find then take new, small steps towards something different. Future purpose stills seems foggy but I continue to move into the fog. Each week seems positive while still remaining confusing since I have not been given sight of my future, and likely won’t until I’m there. I continue to receive strong signals that what I do does not fit who I want to be, and it is those signals that I consult when making small choices through the week as to where my feet will be placed on my journey. Daily my heart tells me I need to change. It cries in discomfort from living much of my life in a manner that no longer fits me. Yet I do not know what I’m changing into … only that I must change in order to live a life worth living. My heart tells me move forward, its pain signals that I must take small steps and in what direction, and my trust carries through into action.

In Need of Guidance … Grateful yet confused …

I recently had a test to determine the state of my body … or at least a significant piece of it. Though I was quite anxious in the days leading up to these tests, the results were excellent. I am grateful for my health, and see that new intentions might serve me well to build towards an even stronger body. I am grateful for what I have, and see that new intentions might serve me well to simplify, order, and identify that which truly enriches my life. And I am grateful for my willingness to seek change in myself … offer myself up to some greater force to reveal my fears, offering me the chance to move forward in confusion to do my work and hopefully gain clarity so that my future becomes different and better from my past.

I carried much anxiety over recent days. The resulting feelings and the confusion burdened me … made life like walking through thick mud against a strong wind. Where feelings of confusion and burden existed, there is now lightness. However, there remains much unknown about the fears I touched that created this inner turmoil but it was indeed significant and strong. There is so much I can learn from this episode of my journey, but life will soon take me in new directions so I must take what I know in this moment and move forward into the new. Life does not wait … it progresses … it churns into ever changing shapes that each require me to “feel” and learn. Some people “feel” and stand still … but those are ones that suffer from reliving the same songs of life over and over. I was one such person before the shift. My intention now … my promise to myself is not to stand and suffer but to use my feelings to move forward, even if in small pieces and steps. It is hard … at times exhausting … but I sense there is this brightness ahead … this warmth … this sunshine of life awaiting my arrival. I simply do not know how far I must walk to get there. So I commit to the constant taking of steps and trust that my journey heads in the right direction, remains open to signals that create adjustments, and retains the inner enthusiasm and desires for the joy that will be discovered. This is the process of my life … the broader journey I have chosen to travel.

My emerging sense of purpose still lies ahead … moving toward some moment offering greater clarity.  The need for guidance remains.  There are times when I am so confused. There are times I am fearful. There are times I walk in fog and there are times I walk in crystal clarity. There are times I am filled with powerful and rich love. Such a pallet of life feelings from which to paint my life. A life picture not totally known but being painted just the same.

Seeing more clearly … while seeking more change …

I travel within turbulent waters in these moments, and I feel I need to ride each wave knowing that I remain headed towards shore and warm, soothing sand beneath my feet. Evolving dynamics at work now seem more often than not to demand and create a reactive rather than responsive work context. A context within which I must choose to respond even when surrounded by reactive energy, organizational fears created by political leadership, and insufficient resources to execute the work. It is amazing to feel and see the fear … the tension and frightened energy being brought into the room by those with which I meet.

It is simply amazing … and sad … sad to see more examples of how the organization increasingly operates in this deep, constant pool of fear-driven work effort. More and more I see and feel how work is directed from fear … creating fear through behaviors meant to intimidate believing it is the path to getting personal agendas executed more quickly. So many seem to give their power up … feeding this style and encouraging those high in the organizational chart to continue such adverse behaviors. Maybe it reflects my journey … my journey towards my purpose which is morphing me and my thoughts so that I see the dysfunctional qualities of the organization clearer each day … and therefore feel it more intensely each day.

And for me … I think and execute “small steps” … create some direction and energy in some new direction. It sustains me within this organizational experience. However, more steps are needed in many directions to help ensure more opportunities for change. My intention is to take steps … take steps in many directions … turn to all directions with open arms so that changes flow upon me and my path continues to unfold in new ways. It is an image of a flower opening to the sun, spreading peddles in all directions simultaneously. I sense my dawn is approaching, warmed by my sun, fed by the ground beneath my feet, and driven by my heart and spirit. I stand and must be ready … take my spot in the field among all other flowers … but know that my opening of my “being” is uniquely mine.

So it is another day … a new time … a moment to reset my sense of me and begin to move forward again with renewed enthusiasm and sense of adventure. My chance to see more clearly, and use that clarity to frame a new world for myself one, small step at a time.

The Freedom of Flying …

I ride … ride my bicycle … ride this playful multi-geared plaything colored red and yellow that whisks me down the road … ride to feel the “freedom of flying” and the sense that worldly tasks, responsibilities, and burdens are left behind … at least for the time I fly. The feelings are rich … the freshness of the wind against my face … the physical exertion … the sense of inner presence as my world blurs as it passes by … the sense of a beautiful future as I see open road ahead … the sense of “self-love from having done something good for myself … all combine into this wonderfully joyful ”soup” of good feelings.

In these moments I truly feel joy. They are moments that help heal me from the stings of life. They are moments that help make all other moments more joyful. They are a gift to myself, and I thank “me” for knowing that this truly nurtures me, and I thank “me” for giving me this time and space to enjoy it.

“The only journey is the one within.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

I rise feeling strong.  I sit here knowing that the universe will offer more lessons today.  I’m ready … and I welcome them with enthusiasm and love even though I also know that my feelings may sting or please, and I will likely reveal old scripts needing definition, processing, and discarding.

I am ready to grow … ready to feel … ready to change.  I continue moving toward my purpose and this morning I feel strong … more confident that I am traveling the right road towards my unknown.  In this moment my life feels incredibly good, and I am anxious to keep on the path of change, moving down the list of societal things I must do to help enable and support such change.  It all will come together in unknown, creative ways … the societal … the spiritual … the surprise and unexpected.  All are coming together as I travel my journey.  All colors being splashed upon my canvas, creating my work of art … my story … my life.  What an incredible process!!!  I FEEL excited and filled with joy at the thought of it all.

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” – Mahatma Gandhi

“Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.” – Mother Teresa

A rising understanding …

Work fills much of my waking hours. I look into the coming days, and reflect on those recently past, and I realize that I do not belong there … not in its current form. It is no longer me. In times past the fit may have been more congruent, but then I was different too. I have changed … I am new while being truer to me. Now it is only the interactions with my “tribe” that offers feelings of being whole. I don’t know yet where I belong and what is meant for me to do, but where I’m currently camped is no longer the place that feeds me … feeds my soul. I try my best each day to act in love and kindness but feel beaten down … my spirit drained. So much “life effort” spent with so little feeling of helping those in need … only the increasing sense of pushing procedure, process, and bureaucracy. So little feeling of “making a real difference” … only increasing feelings of wallowing in the muck of trivia. The inner compass of my life points in the direction of more meaning in life … my heart tells me there is somewhere … something … some place where my passions can flourish and my contribution can be greater.

The sense of me “pushing” in one direction while the organization pushes in an opposite grows. It is interesting to sense and sad to feel. But the sadness does not overwhelm as before, only “feels” like a momentary frustration. I recognize that my puzzle piece is no longer meant for this life puzzle of mine. The sadness is a clue … a message telling me that a richer puzzle exists offering a better fit and that my task is to seek it out. And … I know that I must continue my small, unsure steps down my path towards this unknown place … but a place that is slowly revealing itself. But it is still unknown and I must trust … trust that all works out as it should … as intended … as is best for me.