I began this new year … this artificial yet significant boundary … feeling dramatic change was at my door waiting to knock, enter, and pull and twist me in many new and life changing directions.  So I embraced the feelings, opening myself to what might unfold and promoted my intention to not resist those changes coming my way. The intention felt “right” and even though I have at times been awash in change over the past year or more, this coming time was signaling to me that “I ain’t seen nothing yet”.  So I consciously “signed up” for the ride.

I felt this coming.  I heard the message for at the end of December I wrote …

I awake on the cusp of a new year.  A moment artificially defined yet carrying significant symbolism.  A moment offering the opportunity to assess, reframe, and move forward with new energy and intentions. 

And as this new year approaches, the sense of entering yet some new period of change increases.  More and more I sense my personal canvas clearing, poised and ready to accept fresh images and expressions. 

It all flows within me, exists in the moment, and causes me to feel the joy of being alive. 

And as I stand at this final day of January I realize that the wave of change I sensed was approaching is arriving.  Increasing joy from post-retirement work and the people filling that space flows ever stronger, as do the challenges in the assignment.  New relationships … some now established, some morphing, and some desired … have and will bring new, deep richness into my life.  And folded into it all is the celebration of my brother’s life … done to soften the pain of his passing.  Yes, this first month of this new year has lived up to my intentions … lived up to providing a rich, full, and dramatic source for life change as I walk my journey.

All these and more have manifested themselves in this initial month of this new year.  And I welcome them … encourage them … wear them proudly as I express my desire to the greater power that I want even more change.  More change … for it brings to my life feelings and the desire for feelings … rich, powerful, and passionate feelings.  And it’s the change that brings such feelings.

I have discovered that my life is all about feelings, and that deeply experiencing them means living life.  And I am at a time in my life where I want to live life as fully as possible … I wish to open more and more to new, fresh, and rich opportunities … so I seek feelings … intense feelings … and seek change as the known catalyst for such feelings.

It is one quest of many driving my life in this moment.  A life that is rich, passionate, and meaningful.  Ahh … I am such a lucky man …

The Power of Joyful Memories …

It’s approaching a week since my brother passed away.  Many kind and supportive contacts by friends and others have been gifted me, and each has felt healing.  As many know, with the passing of a loved one many feelings emerge and linger, at least this is my past experience.  But among all the feelings I might experience under my current loss, the memories of my day in June spent together with my brother watching old movies continues to be prevalent.

Why?  Is it because of the joy it brought me in those moments in June … moments of deep felt pleasure especially since over the past many years our shared/joyful time had been little?  I sense that the power of joyful feelings … even in times of extraordinary sadness and potentially immense sad feelings of loss and missed opportunities … prevail as the most powerful and resilient.

A strong meaningful lesson for me to acknowledge and apply to many losses over my lifetime’s journey, and to recall each day of life.  A lesson saying to me …

Seek out the joy …

Take it in fully and deeply …

Carry it with you always …

A brother’s gift to his “bro” …

“Painful though parting be, I bow to you as I see you off to distant clouds.” -Emperor Saga

The passing of a brother …

I just received a powerful phone call.  My brother’s wife called to say that he had passed away, losing his battle with liver failure and a systemic infection acquired post-transplant.

She’s suffering and mourning but was kind enough to call and inform me.  Now we all will travel our journeys in our own way to process loss and form memories that will frame and recall his life and our connection with it.

His suffering was great, living many, many months with a body fighting for life yet failing a bit more each day.  Liver failure has a way of eroding one in terrible ways.  Yet throughout his journey to the “now”, he fought the good fight, empowered himself to do what he could, and accepted the rest … much of it saturated in overwhelming pain and discomfort.  His wife traveled alongside him as well, mounting her own fight and lifting her own burden.  Their journey is one to be admired for the courage it displayed.

Oh my loved brother … Please hear these words I was unable to say before you began this new journey …

I have seen … and learned … what courage is from someone willing to fight the good fight to the end.  You have acted in love, dignity, and strength throughout the many, many months that consumed you and your body.  Your life will end stronger for it, even if your body failed.  My memories of you are the day you and I spent in Chula Vista during my last visit watching old Sci-Fi movies.  I felt connected … I felt shared love … and it was such fun.  Those memories will stay with me through my remaining days … and I am thankful I had those moments with you.  It was a wonderful gift.

You will be always loved “bro”.  I will wish there had been more moments, but I now let go of you and accept what is in this moment.  You are missed … you will be missed.  And you will be forever loved.

Goodbye my friend …

Goodbye my dearly loved brother …

May the winds of the Universe carry you on into eternity.  Your presence made a difference in the lives of many … and made a difference in my life.

“Take a leap of faith and begin this wondrous new year by believing. Believe in yourself. And believe that there is a loving Source – a Sower of Dreams – just waiting to be asked to help you make your dreams come true.” – Sarah Ban Breathnach

Another morning, another year …

I awake on the cusp of a new year. A moment artificially defined yet carrying significant symbolism. A moment offering the opportunity to assess, reframe, and move forward with new energy and intentions. It is the way I awoke and likely reflects colors and images freshly painted within me as I moved through these holidays, experienced nature, and stood in the presence of those in pain and without homes. It all touched me … altered me … created inner turbulence and triggered feelings.

And as this new year approaches, the sense of entering yet some new period of change increases. More and more I sense my personal canvas clearing, poised and ready to accept fresh images and expressions. And looking in the moment I see the treasures surrounding me for I live in a warm, dry home. I have food and clothing. I have friends that love and support me. I work in joy and among others committed to collaboration and teamwork. I hike and feel the intense passions of my deep connection with nature. It all flows within me, exists in the moment, and causes me to feel the joy of being alive. Yet with all that … with all the “life’s wealth” in my possession … strong as the man inside me is … at times the feelings for an emotional blanket of comfort and love overtakes me like a quickly rising tide.

I ponder … ponder as to the cause. What part is played by old scripts reflecting unfilled holes in the road traveled as my life? What part is played by something that is truly “me” and reflects my core? This dialog flows back and forth and has yet to be resolved or clarified. I’ve asked some greater force for help … for signs or clues that might lead me to understanding and clarity … and now I must move forward while letting go of the “knowing” in order find peace and co-existence with these feelings and the confusion they carry.

So I awake … I awake in gratitude … I awake pondering … I awake “feeling” the effects of days and events that have touched sensors deep within me and my soul. And I awake feeling the excitement and optimism that comes from standing on the cusp of a new adventure … a new adventure of discovery. It is the way some mornings begin … acceptance challenges inquisitiveness … emotion rises above all else … the heart sings a song of yearning for understanding … and a breath is taken as one more step is made on my journey. At times I seem to be so complex. I seek simplicity yet complexity surrounds me. It is what is … what is me … what I feel this final day of 2015. Happy New Year …

Merry Christmas … It’s so cold … I’m so very cold …!

Early Friday mornings are special times for me. I learn what it’s like to be a member of my village. I am given the rare opportunity of seeing the human condition from a perspective not usually offered to me. I learn how simply seeing from afar is like reading only the cover of a book, a book with a rich, thick story within its covers going unread. Each Friday in the dark hours of approaching daylight I spend several hours distributing clothing to homeless members of my community … my larger community … the village that embraces all of those walking along side me on this tiny part of the planet.

This morning was especially powerful. Not only was it Christmas morning but it was below freezing. The circumstances offered challenges to both volunteers and homeless alike. And even in the shared moments in freezing temperatures a cheerful “Merry Christmas” was exchanged, taken in, and reflected back as people stepped into the outside patio where clothing is distributed. All involved felt better in that magic moment.

But as I met individuals at the gate where entry is coordinated, one woman appear in obvious distress. Her slight, thin frame covered only by a single coat, and having no hat or gloves gave testament that her night’s stay outside had been painful and had driven her body temperature downward. As she tried to hold a cup of hot coffee provided by another group of volunteers near the front of the building her hands and body shook uncontrollably. Her shaking splashed her coffee out onto her hand, but her hands were too cold to sense it and her speech was impaired by the trembling in her voice, again a result of how deeply cold she had gotten.

She was overwhelmed by the cold … and as she shook she softly and respectfully said “ … it’s so cold … I’m so very cold …”. I steadied her hand with the coffee so that she could sip more of the warm liquid. I gave her gloves which we struggled to get on her frozen hands. I wrapped a scarf around her neck while others found a knit hat and tried to get her a warmer jacket or shirt. And for what seemed an eternity she softly and respectfully continued to say …” it’s so cold … I’m so very cold …” as she shook violently.

Finally one of the volunteers was able to lead her down to one of the temporary, outside warming areas in hopes of helping her climb out of the dungeon of cold that had imprisoned her. And as I watched them walk toward the outside heater I thought … I recalled to myself those times when I’ve been cold … those times when my hands hurt and my skin stung … those times when it became an eternity until I once again stopped shivering and was warm. But you see, I also saw a difference. When I was overwhelmingly cold I had a home. I had the right clothes available. I had food and had eaten. I had the security of knowing I will have a warm, safe place to sleep at night as the temperatures once again plummet well below 32 degrees. It opened my eyes just a bit more so that I could more clearly see the truer nature of homelessness. It allowed me to open the covers of the book and read the details within, giving me greater understanding … giving me greater empathy … giving me added opportunities to inwardly express my gratitude for all that I have.

Just one powerful moment among so many … so many moments I am given each Friday morning as some of us reach out to offer dignity and help. Just one more moment for me to see more clearly … appreciate more deeply … and become more integrated with the village of my community.   And I am grateful …

It’s an interesting time …

Retirement is an interesting time.  It’s a unique opportunity to place one’s self on the timeline of our personal journey and marvel at the passage of time and the life lived.  Each moment of thought, if done in conscious reflection, creates opportunities for OMG moments … moments filled with deep, rich emotions which may either carry us into bliss or move us through deep inner pain or fear.

It seems that such moments are increasing recently.  In my almost 6 months since stepping into this new paradigm I’ve experienced the spectrum of emotions mentioned.  Moments where the new sense of freedom soothes like a warm blanket on a cold night.  Moments where the recognition of entering the later innings of my life creates an urgency to get life in order, sort things out, and live moments richly in the “now”.  Moments where memories revisit lost friends and loves that have moved on in this life or to the next.  Moments where memories revisit past abilities and youthful adventures … ones once easily experienced but now out of reach.  Retirement … a trigger event causing reflection across the years … across a life.

And common to all these experiences is the underlying sense of change … enormous, personal change.  At times overwhelming change … change that swirls around me and engulfs.  Change inside me and change physically.  Change that demands adapting to what “is” while still inserting myself into the equation determining what becomes.  Where is the demarcation between what will be and what I allow or choose to be?  When do I let go and where do I take a stand?  Yes … retirement is a trigger event … a tipping point where such questions now arise brilliantly illuminated.

But as a song says … I’m no superman but “I’m just out to find the better part of me”.  Each day offers me chances to figure things out a bit more.  There is no clear place to stand or path shown … only my best “hunch” reinforced by my trust that with each step I’ll figure out things the best I can.  Figure things out in the face of enormous change mixed with emerging feelings, and heavily sprinkled with joyful living when life is lived reflectively and with use of my inner compass.

So here I am.  And how will I move forward?  I will seek the joy believing that the rest will follow.  I will live in the “now” while navigating towards peaceful conclusion.  I will ride the waves created by joyful followed by painful or fearful feelings.  And I will trust … trust in what I’ve done in life so far that has allowed me to adapt, live with increased joy, discover new personal dimensions, and evolve into something different than the moment before.  It’s a dance … and some steps I know well and others trip me up.  But it is what “is” so I learn to embrace it and move on.  It is my journey …

Yes … it is an interesting time to be sure.

A Moving Forward While Returning …

It felt good this week to post a blog.  I had gone an entire month without doing so.  To once again feel yearnings to express myself and my feelings moved me in peaceful ways … helped move me to a fresh place to stand.  I sense I’ve been churning and blocked from writing … and now I am moving into calmer yet more emotionally sensitive waters, able to reflect and more intensely feel once again.  The door is once again opening and that feels good.

I’ve learned to rely upon my feelings as my compass, but at times my inner compass spins.  Even so, eventually it synchronizes and points strongly towards my true north which gives me confidence that I’m once again on my road.  These moments of “spinning” then aligning remind me day-by-day of my inner complexity … complexity comprised of pieces still seemingly missing from my life puzzle … complexity influenced by themes felt from old chapters in the many life novels within me.  Chapters speaking of holes in my fabric and times of past joy.  It all influences how I react to events occurring as I walk my daily journey and at times pushes me off my road and onto the shoulder.  Yet somehow some greater force provides me clues that enable me to endure the roughness until I finally steer back on course, leaving me with the sense that some greater influence seems to want me to continue.  And gratefully, it also wishes to remain my friend and teacher for the evidence is very strong that I have so very much to learn and discover about myself.  In the chaos of confusion I’ve always sensed assistance … help and protection for me as I struggle to find light along my path once again.  It all makes me reflect … and feel … and consider … and keep taking steps.

“In ancient times cats were worshiped as gods; they have not forgotten this.” – Terry Pratchett

A month away from the writing of my expressions and experiences … time away to continue my journey as I drift until once again able to gain focus.  Thirty some days offering inner fog to clear so as to once again write and share thoughts heard and felt from within. How a month seems like the blink of an eye when seen from a life’s distance.  And though I may think I retreat, each day that passes flips a page in my life’s novel … and the sense of time passing around and over me grows stronger.

And in this moment here I sit … just as though I had photographed my intention then painted it with vibrant colors of creation.  My peaceful music playing, me typing my inner voice, and my new roommates ‘da Boys resting nearby.  Ollie and Pippin, now the cats of the house.  It’s exactly as I had envisioned when visualizing what might “feel good” with pet partners living with me.  It is amazing, and the sense of peace is noticeable to say the least.

Beginning as fearful visitors hiding beneath my bed, my new roomies now consistently follow me out into the living room and ventured deeper into the kitchen with greater confidence.  They are exploring every corner of my world here, beginning in broad strokes but returning for the details. I sit and watch the boys explore, and relax into the healing music I often play.  It creates within me a sense of peace … a calm inner being that fills me.  It tunes me … like a sensitive pitch fork helps tune a piano.  It allows me to move into my world more confident that I may remain in the moment and encounter each step as its own, not burdened by the past or future.  A choice made … feelings felt … a message given that with a vision and intention small acts can create desired moments.  A lesson … a reminder … a formula worth remembering as I walk my journey.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.” – George Carlin

Roommates …

As the time changes and a new month begins, I am about to step in a dramatically new direction.  Two cat brothers raised together from birth and recently abandoned will join me as together we navigate living in collaboration … building a new relationship … discovering new connection.  A loving and temporary caretaker has enabled them to transition through their fears as I prepared to bring them into my small yet welcoming environment.  Not since the passing of my dog buddy Boss some years ago have I ventured into the role of pet guardian, but now the time seems right … flexibility, time to focus, a new life phase beginning … all seems right to explore this new opportunity for connection.

Though excited and pleased with what is unfolding, I have learned from my journey to have no expectations … just intentions to create a safe and loving space for us to thrive, and discover and define what will be right for us all.  I offer space for them to grow … they offer me the same.  Where such growth takes us all will be revealed over time.  Where once I would have set goals and charted courses, I now create opportunity and let go so that more natural forces may influence the results.  There is no “time” here … simply a place for change to occur.  The rest will be revealed as a story is revealed with each turning of a page in a new book.  I’ve learned … I’ve seen through eyes of fascination the artwork of allowing things to unfold.  It has been one of the “big” lessons learned along my journey, and continues to be as I walk and live.

So me and ‘da boys will hang out today … taking small, initial steps towards our shared adventure.  And what an exciting time we will have … going somewhere unknown and meant to travel together.

“A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart.”  – Author Unknown

A Blossoming Flower

I spent a day with my daughter this past weekend.  She’s now a young woman, exploring her independence and attending college, and evolving into a most amazing person.

Each visit is separated by time … several weeks where changes occur out of sight from my senses and eyes.  So each visit offers stark contrasts … dramatic evidence of changes … clear illustrations of the journey she’s taking outside my daily purview.

The vision I’m offered is wonderful … even breathtaking.  Her movement through change, her finding her course through new situations and challenges, and her growing passion for her area of study where she now passionately describes those sharing her major and their sense of where they and their studies can make a difference in the world … it all is simply amazing to hear, see, and feel!

It is such a joy to be witness to all this.  It is such a joy to have such a wonderful human being as my daughter.  And as she continues down whatever path unfolds before her I will support and applaud each step for it offers me a gift forever held in my heart and touching my soul.  Another joy bestowed upon me in this phase of life offering so very much from so many different directions. The joy inside me reflects her light and brightness, and I am thankful … ever thankful …