“For my own personal growth I had to set out on my own.” – Frank Press

The Early Steps into the New …

I continue to walk these first, few new steps into my new life since retirement. Old stories push me to plan and structure so that I “know” my direction and control the journey taken. Wisely, I’m able to detect then gently set aside such urges … for my purpose now is to simply “be” and provide myself a graceful transition … precious time.

Time allows so many things. Its buffet of moments allow me to reflect, ponder, reframe, and occasionally nap as I sense feelings from change. My intention is to take in these early, new feelings and use them as ingredients for my new emerging life. Take the wisdom and insights they reveal and allow movement into my future … rhythmically … like a dance where the music resonates but the steps are unknown, only revealing themselves in the moment.

It has been one week … one week from stepping through a new doorway while closing an old.  And as my new dance begins to take form … as I begin to feel my emerging rhythm of new opportunity … my trust continues that my new future will reveal itself more clearly. This morning seems different because it is the first day of my new journey where an inner voice is beginning to whisper alignment and shapes of the future … I sense the beginning of form.

Yes, it is still quite early in my process but it has begun. It now remains my task to allow the future to form while I remain in the moment … live attached to each day and minute in which I stand … experience all it tells me so that I may use it in the mixing of the recipe for my future. It “feels” like a spiritual journey … and indeed it has become such even amidst my more non-spiritual movement through life.

Hear the music … sense the movement … learn the steps … and live in the moment …

“Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country.” – Anais Nin

Setting My Compass for a New Life …

How my heart continues to sing as I now move into the unknown but much desired new life space. I “feel” so rich … reminded throughout this past week that my life makes a difference and my intentions of kindness, communication, and collaboration enrich people’s lives. “Make a difference in a life” … through living my core values through kindness … helps align my inner compass and lights my path into the future.

In the moment … being in the moment and accepting whatever comes next as the Universe’s plan … “nudging” my journey through intentions and movement rather than forced attempts to control … not projecting into the future but simply remaining aware in the “now” so that when future moments arrive I may see them clearly, understand them, and move through them the best I can. These are this morning’s themes. The message seems so very rich and valuable … another gift to me from all that has transpired in my space over the past months. There is more I’m sure, but I “feel” that these lessons are seen and understood.

So I will walk this special day today. A unique moment in my life … an unique opportunity to sense the transition and transformation surrounding me. It has become my incredible journey for now … so unique … a journey I would have never been able to define before walking it. It “feels” like a moment so important to my life’s story, the simultaneous completion of one life chapter and beginning of another … chapters in my life’s journal being created from each moment I move through my life.

I wish all a day filled with the radiant sunshine of loving kindness. I will walk into my moments … one after another … learning more of how to live life as moments … learning how to focus yet relax. And all will be good …

Well here I am …

Here I am … ‘Tis the last day … the last day of an older life and the first day of a newer one.  The direction is known but the road is not.  My pack is lighter and ready to be carried on my journey.  I am confident that there will be many surprises along the way.  The feeling of “lightness” and the excitement of new discovery is rich.  Armed with my pack, some water, a few snacks, and a broken-in set of boots I now head into the world of intentions with eyes and heart open.

Whoo-Hoo!!!

May the Force be with me … 🙂

“There are two kinds of climbers, those who climb because their heart sings when they’re in the mountains, and all the rest.” – Alex Lowe

One of my passions is hiking. Hiking is a metaphor for my life. Smooth steps then rocks and holes … then smooth steps again … then roots and twigs … and on and on and on. Along the way I’m given gifts of beautiful vistas and deep, quiet moments of reflection … and occasionally a peaceful deer or a feisty turkey crosses my path.

As I hiked this past weekend I reflected. I saw through clearer eyes that my life journey is two dimensional. That my journey involves both transition AND transformation. Transition being movement from one context or paradigm to another, usually via a moment-to-moment set of steps or through falling off a cliff. Transformation being changing, becoming something new and fresh deep inside me usually via some fundamental shift in awareness. While reflecting I saw both being part of the dance of life … both being part of my journey as I move into whatever awaits me. I saw that both are needed to evolve, grow, and discover yet more transition and transformation.

It’s not just changing … it’s how I internalize it … integrate it … own it and use it to become yet a new, fresh iteration of myself. Seeing my journey in this new way gave my hike even richer meaning … my “hike of life” …

The Letting Go of Responsibility … Becoming Comfortable with Aloneness …

I continue my move towards change … towards entry into a new paradigm of life. Many forces appear to be converging, adding to the need to adapt … many more than I would have imagined coming together at this time in my life. I feel fatigued from what seems like hundreds of hands reaching out and pulling me in some new and at times conflicting directions. I feel like I must work … very hard … to remain upright and stable enough to continue taking one step at a time into my future.

And melodies quietly play in the back of my mind … unfamiliar songs saying that I must let go of responsibility … responsibility long carried and overly valued for so many years. Responsibility beyond just that for myself but felt towards those around me. And another melody plays … another yet unfamiliar but detectible song … that I struggle to find the balance between my craving for deep connection and shared experience, and the recognition that I must ultimately travel much of my journey alone.

I seek new answers while still emerging from old scripts, scripts that order and influence my description of the world around me, how I move through it, how I communicate, and how I form feelings about it. It all is a simultaneous blend of so many factors from so many directions that at times it is very hard to sort things out … very hard to figure out if I’m moving towards the new or simply being driven by the old. My intention is to move in new directions but this confusion makes the journey very hard … at times even discouraging. And though I have choices, it “feels” like a force greater than me is truly in control and regulating how and what comes across my threshold … what crosses my path in this moment.

So here I stand … taking yet one more step into this day and moment … moving in faith for I must step while knowing that the answers are not yet known and I have yet to understand. I retain the sense of excitement about the undiscovered land ahead, but “feel” the fatigue of the journey’s effort. Movement wrapped in faith … letting go of knowing the “why” while accepting what “is” and continuing the walk. I will see what today brings … what shedding responsibilities feels like … if clarity reveals itself on other fronts. A dance with unknown steps but driven by deep rhythms felt from within …

“Letting go helps us to live in a more peaceful state of mind and helps restore our balance. It allows others to be responsible for themselves and for us to take our hands off situations that do not belong to us. This frees us from unnecessary stress.” – Melody Beattie

Continuing the Walk and the Learning …

It is another new beginning for me this morning … for us all. Each of us facing challenges. Each of us processing each moment through our beliefs … our beliefs in how the universe and our internal feelings and processes create reality.

We all are entitled to inner peace and joy as children of the universe. My quest is to discover the means to create it as I walk my individual journey of self-discovery and awaken to myself. Simplicity … I seek simplicity this morning as I approach the end of 3 weeks of inner turbulence.

My 3 week journey took me across a varied and complex landscape. Though small moments of understanding occurred, much still “feels” unknown. But as I begin to pack for my return I do sense from my inner voices detectable themes. They surface as: 1) Best is good enough, 2) Simplicity enhances inner peace, and 3) Letting go returns personal power. Much might be said about each, but I sense they are offerings brought to me through these past days and weeks. There is likely more, but I pluck the ripest fruit that surfaces in my mind this morning.

And as I step on the plane tomorrow I will once again move into transition … one left behind several weeks ago but again taken up and traveled. But it is different … because I am different. I have changed. I have learned and I have remained in confusion … I’m touched by it all and now have many new things that are part of me as I return from this recent journey through my own personal discovery and awakening. What awaits me? What unanticipated surprises will reveal themselves as I step off the plane?

Let it go …!  Let go of the need to know … I let it go and seek the simplicity of living in the moment, allowing things to be revealed, knowing that I will simply do my best and deal with whatever rises from the moment. It is what I’ve learned … my personal “tune up” from the “Me” that left 3 weeks ago and now returns tomorrow. Transition …………

“Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.” – Omar Khayyam

Transitions and Letting Go …

Lives travel through transitions. My brother is in transition as he hangs on to life waiting for a replacement liver. My life was in the final phases of transition as I prepare to leave work life and move into retirement. And even though my planning arranged my new, approaching life nicely, allowing me to feel “in control” of the many things needing to come together as I moved from one life phase to the next, it was all an illusion. Circumstances changed it all overnight as I traveled to help my brother.

So I learn new lessons in letting go. Letting go in order to seek peace and navigate through the feelings of being overwhelmed … sincere, inner, genuine peace with detachment from ANY expectations. I seek renewal of my belief that life must be lived in this very moment, and settling into this moment and no longer than this moment with no yesterday and never a tomorrow. It seems one way for me to deal with the inner turbulence and discord felt these past 3 weeks.

And as my heart yearns for simplicity, so much remains unclear as to the causes of internal discomfort felt during this time. Though small moments of understanding occurred, much still “feels” unknown. My life seems at a turning point. Some moment in my life story where fears converge with joy, and the sense of adventure creates an inner excitement towards what may be revealed. But there is more … an overlay of confusion meant to force me into yet even more clarity. This journey I still process.

As I sit here, reflect, and listen to calming music I allow myself to drift and flow into deeper sensations and inner quiet. And as I reflect, I continue to seek guidance and signs giving me deeper understanding of myself. I seek the ability to see the turbulence as a gift … and see these simple, small current moments as gifts … these current moments now giving me inner peace and calm … these current moments bringing me momentary joy through “feelings” of balance.

Life seems comprised of transitions. Transitions offer opportunities to experience, feel, and learn. And opportunities are gifts offered by some greater force for the purpose of helping me better understand “me”. It all “feels” like a very hard school with sometimes very difficult homework. But this school of life is what I have been given so I will let go of expectations and accept it … being in the moment … this moment of my life.

The Good Fight …

I am in a place and time where it feels as though I stand on the edge, fighting moment to moment to maintain balance and keep from falling into the abyss.  A place where each second demands untapped strength from within … strength hidden deep in unknown reserves … strength needed in order to comprehend, react, and hopefully prevail to surrounding circumstances.

I join my brother and his wife in a battle.  A war of day-to-day maneuvers meant to sustain him until he is able to receive a new liver.  There are so many battles on so many fronts simultaneously.  Yet each now is simply defined … does he greet this new day and are we ready to respond when a hoped for moment arrives.

This is a very hard battle for this warrior … me.  After several days I still am working to absorb it all while integrating myself into the army faced with the fight.  When life becomes focused on existence … living one more day … fighting through pain and time in order to receive relief from someone else’s loss … all shifts within you.  The chaff of life falls off around you and existence becomes what drives each moment.  Though some may be cloaked, every thought is tied to the vision … a moment when a voice on the other end of a phone informs you that a door is now open to possible relief.

And as part of this army now fighting the good fight, I am witness to much.  I am witness to things that bring me fears and sadness … things that remind me that with a joyful life may come pain and suffering.  And I am witness to inspirational things … things like the personal strength and courage being displayed daily by my brother as he somehow finds what’s needed to stand up and move through another day … another day of pain, discomfort, and fears … another day of waiting for a special call.  I am also witness to the courage of his wife … working so very hard to navigate through fears in order to put things in place that will be needed when the moment arrives and we move through the new doorway into the known unknown.

I do not stand within the shell of the man now fighting for his life.  But I sense how hard each moment must be.  I see the result of the condition but am not feeling it from within.  It is hard for all involved.  It is ever so hard for me.  But I learn from his strength … and he is strong … able to allow the fears flow through while holding on to those moments of brightness and lightness felt.  And he is loved … loved by me and so many others he has touched through life.  He inspires by his strength,  his ability to take one more step while carry such a heavy burden of a failing body, and his ability to touch others.  Great pain blended with such great courage and love.

So the good fight will continue, and the focus will continue to narrow as it must as conditions remain increasingly challenging as time moves towards that hoped for future call.  And I will learn … learn how to navigate through this time while fully engaging in this battle … learn from being witness to it all and the man at its center.  But it is hard … ever so very hard.

“Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home.” – Matsuo Basho

Life in this moment …

Life … how frail and fragile at times. How from one moment to the next we are traveling through a labyrinth where one turn reveals another, and the path revealed may prove to end abruptly or offer continued progress. Where our success is determined more by our willingness to walk blind while listening to our inner voices for guidance than by tenacity. Where our peace is achieve not by reaching the final, desired conclusion but from having walked the steps to arrive to whatever spot within the labyrinth we stand when it is our time to move on. The peace is in the process, not in the achieving, for it is the process we embrace which offers what little control we have in this life. The process comprised of love, kindness, pure intentions, and the desire to seek inner joy.

I now travel some portion of my labyrinth where intersecting paths tell me only of significant change ahead … some carrying fears and some offering lightness. As I quite my mind and listen to my feelings I walk because I must … time and events demand it. My intention is to listen the best I can … choose the best I can … trust the best I can … then let go and travel knowing I’ve offered up myself in the only way possible … to make the good fight, give my best, hold loving intentions, and move through fear. It is a process … a process for living … a process I control even though the resulting events I do not.   It is life … in this moment facing its tunnels and paths within my labyrinth.

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.” – Alice Walker

Losing My Power … There it goes again …

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I’ve seen, experienced, and learned about gaining, keeping, and losing my personal power over the past couple of years.  At times the lessons where painful and memorable … unfortunately just what I needed to understand more fully what all this power stuff is about.   It seems that things just need to be that way when the lesson is an important one … and this one surely is.

Just as I’ve learned to “sense” when I’m gaining or taking on more personal power and reflecting my authentic self, I now can more clearly sense when I’m giving it up.  I “feel” it when I slip back into old ways and my ability to be “me” is given up to the fear of not pleasing others, or from fears of making a mistake.  It’s been a fascinating and valuable skill to acquire … this sensing/feeling thing … but it came as a result of many repeat performances where I surrendered myself … my persona truth … betrayed my core beliefs … and gave up my spirit and who I was in fear of self-defined authority or to please.  You see, I was raised and learned ever so well how to please … I even took my self-worth from making people happy … and in the process learned quite well how to constantly and automatically give up my power.  Throw in a splash of framing authority in fearful ways where again pleasing was paramount and I was set up to give myself away quickly and automatically … surrender my personal power while thinking it was what I wanted/needed to do.  But I have moved on and now travel in a new comfort zone.

What’s different now? I’ve become aware of the process … awareness as a result of many hours of self-reflection, listening to feelings, and seeking views and feedback from close and trusted friends. I’ve also learned … learned that I need not give up my inner beliefs and truth because I can respond in a way that meets the perceived need while remaining my authentic self … my real and genuine self. And I’ve come to more clearly see the fears… fears that trigger me into this old paradigm … fears like perceived authority, desire to please (especially those in higher positions of influence), and fear of failing or making a mistake.

So now … when I begin to give away my personal power … I “feel” it and its discomfort.  That gives me a moment … a breath within which to frame it and its triggers, allow it to flow through, and seek out alternative choices that retain “me” and feel right while also offering relief and response.  It’s challenging, creative, and most times works but more practice is surely needed since I still trip, fall, and tumble … but the effort is truly worth it because the feelings from being true to one’s self, holding on to who I am, and stopping the “giving away” when I slip is much, much more satisfying than the alternative.  And it’s all about feelings … following the good feelings and living the genuine life.  Listen … feel … react … and hold on …